Saturday, March 15, 2008

Should have known...

Today would have marked three whole months since cutting off all communication with him. Is it crazy that I keep track of that? Well, I do. It may sound odd, but it helped me at first. I was very proud of myself when I would make it another week without yielding to the temptation to check in on him. Last week I realized that I was about to reach the three-month mark and it felt so good! If you’ve read my most recent post regarding him, then you know what I mean when I say that I think it was good for me not having any contact with him. Well, his birthday was this week. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. I knew it was coming and I actually had to seriously contemplate where or not I was going to acknowledge it. I had always made a huge deal about his birthday. Should I break the embargo for a special occasion? But then again, birthdays are only special occasions when they are for special people in your life, right? So, I think I made the right decision to just let it pass.

Well, I should have known... I guess he was expecting me to remember, because who do I hear from the very next day? Yep, that’s right. He broke the silence himself by sending me a message. How have you been?… how’s the dog?…I’m officially old now…where’d the time go?… ready for Easter?… blah…blah…blah. What was the point of that? Did he think that the only reason he hadn’t heard from me was because I had forgotten and that if he casually reminded me I would gush with “Happy Belated”s for him? Or maybe it was just a way of rubbing in that he was celebrating his special occasions with his new girlfriend now. If I had to guess I would say that he just did it in an effort to bring himself to the front of my mind again once he saw that I wasn’t thinking of him everyday anymore, not even on his birthday. That’s his MO. I know it well. Sadly, I have to admit that it worked a little bit. As evidenced by this blog, I’ve been thinking about him and that stupid message for three days now. He had to go and pull his “nice guy” routine. I hate him for that. It’s so much easier not to think about him when he is just blatantly being an ass. But I am proud to say as I take a moment to pat myself on the back that I did not reply to him. And the fact that I didn’t take that wide-open opportunity to talk to him makes me feel about as strong as a recovering crack head flushing his own stash. Yay me!

Monday, March 3, 2008

A Letter To My Younger Self

If I could write a letter to the me that existed 10 years ago, it would go something like this:

Dear Me,

You just finished your first semester of college and you may think you have an idea of how the rest of your college experience will go, but you don't. It's good now, but it's going to get so much better!

Don't get too freaked out about your roommate next year, it's only temporary. You'll get that room change in a couple of weeks, just wait it out.

Pick a major and just stick with it! Choose something that sends you out of college with a set occupation, like nursing or education. You aren't going to go to law school like you think because you end up realizing that you would hate it, so don't waste your time on the pre-law stuff. You will regret the political science degree later. What the hell does anyone do with a political science degree?!

When you go out on the bad date with the Mazzy Star guy with the scar, DO NOT go to Mr. Blue Velvet's* apartment afterwards. It's a horrible idea. It will end VERY badly. Just go home. That's all I can say.

Don't go on the trip to Birmingham. Don't even waste the money on the football tickets because you won't end up at the game. What you least expect to happen, will happen on that trip. It will crush you, but you'll be ok soon. (You may want to get your car checked before you head up to JV's * house. It will save you some embarrassment later. On second thought, that ends up as a pretty funny story that you will remember forever. Don't get the car checked.)

When you are writing the letter to JV after the new girl moves in, don't include the witty little "add dick and stir" snippet that Binion came up with. It might make you feel better for a moment, but she will read it and it will cause problems for years to come. Y'all remain friends but because she hates you now, he will always have to sneak around to keep in touch. Just leave that comment out, trust me.

Don't move home that semester to commute. You will hate it and you'll miss out on a lot of fun. You can't be in the same house as your step-mother that long. Don't even try it. It will also cause big problems between you and St. Jude*. You end up moving back in the middle of the year anyway.

Speaking of St. Jude, don't invest so much time into him. He's a compulsive liar and he won't change for a long time. You can't fix him. He is never faithful to you, not even in the beginning. He knows what he is doing to you and he'll apologize for it years later, but that apology will not get you those years back. You'll have a fight when it snows. Let that fight be the end of it for good.

More about St. Jude... don't go all that way for a drive-by just to see if he's telling you the truth about being at his parents that night. On the way back there will be a deer in the road and you won't see it because of your tears. It results in a bad wreck and a mexican car. Just don't go. And no, he is not at his parent's house that night. Remember... compulsive liar!

And when St. Jude sleeps with your sorority sister, you'll be mad but don't let it affect you so much. Think of it as a blessing and thank her for taking him on as her own lost cause. P. S. You will eventually forgive both of them. Don't worry, they don't end up together either.

When your old crush from bible study asks you to lunch, politely decline. Don't see him at all, ever. This could result in some seriously bad karma for you. Stay away from him and don't be stupid!

Listen, 10 years from today you still will not have found the one. Don't invest so much of yourself into relationships that you know aren't exactly what you want. You still haven't found anything that even comes close to what you had with JV, and deep down you know that you are settling with St. Jude and the big one that comes after college. Just please don't waste so much time with people that give you less than you deserve.

After a few years at your post-college job, an opportunity for advancement comes up. It will be appealing, but don't take it. You will hate it. The increase in pay and the bigger title will not be worth it, because you will hate the office, hate the people, hate the entire environment. Stay where you are. You will miss it.

Start your MBA as soon as you can. Don't wait around wasting time! Just hurry up and get it over with.

Some friends that you thought would be friends for life... aren't. Some friends that you didn't expect to keep in touch with will end up being around for a long time to come.

Get more involved with things after college. Your friends will eventually move away and you'll be left alone, not knowing anyone in the area. It will make it very hard to meet new people when you don't have friends to go out with. Join a group or something! Don't rule out moving to Atlanta when you have single friends that move there. It might be fun.

Don't even think about finding a new home for the puppy when you and your boyfriend break up. That dog will help you make it through that rough point in your life and he'll end up being your best friend. He's your life saver. Keep him!

I could go on and on, but I won't. Just have as much fun as possible when you can and don't waste time on people that don't deserve it (most of everyone that you meet for the next 10 years won't deserve it). You can't get that time back and you will start to feel old before you know it. You'll do a lot of things right and you'll really screw up with other things, but in the end you'll turn out ok even if you don't take any of my advice. But take my advice anyway just in case it results in a happier ending!

Sincerely,

You


*Names have been changed.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I didn't want to see it, but I sure did need to

It’s funny how sometimes what you least want to see is exactly what you need to see most. Scuba Steve posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend. My stomach turned upside down when I first saw it. I was right. They were in Collegetown for alumni weekend. I could tell because the backdrop was a very familiar blue-light wall of a local bar. So she’s cute. And thin. They kind of look like the number 10 standing beside each other. But the moral of the story is… I kept looking at him really closely in those pictures and I couldn’t remember why I was ever attracted to him. Granted, he’s cuter in person than in pictures and his personality (as fake as it may be) is really what makes him attractive, but still. I just stared at his face and my first thought wasn’t about how much I missed him (finally!). It felt good. I still shed a few tears and broke the no-crying streak that I was on, but I’m only human. The tears weren’t about him though, they were stirred up by the weird range of emotions that I felt at the moment. As much I dreaded seeing him with someone new, it is exactly what I needed to realize that I’m really over him. I have some scars from the break-up that are still a little tender, but I’m over him. I wouldn’t want him back even if the opportunity was lying right in front of me. And that is a good feeling!