Friday, October 31, 2008

It's the little things

I need to move to Pluto, move into a plastic bubble, be put into an induced coma, something, anything. I can't go five minutes without seeing or hearing something that reminds me of Survivorman. I know that everyone goes through something similar after break-ups, but this is like nothing I've ever experienced. It's just unfathomable the number of things that are tainted and painful now because I associate them with him. Don't believe me? Here are some things from just the past week:

- camouflage
- Elvis
- Florida
- Chevy pick up trucks
- Aqua di Gio
- Dolce & Gabbana
- ice
- my own dog
- flowers and ferns
- my treadmill
- chicken pot pie
- ski ball
- the war
- ESPN
- chocolate chip cookies
- Army Wives (one of my favorite shows)
- my hair comb
- the TV remote
- chicken wings
- wine
- littering
- the magnets on my fridge
- Pearl Jam
- strawberries
- Stone Mountain
- Carraba's
- The Stack
- American flags
- Snoopy
- trash bags
- Orbit gum
- my lip balm
- my cell phone
- half of my wardrobe
- the shower head
- Barnes & Noble
- Best Buy
- the light bulbs in my bathroom
- my smoke detector
- Northface merchandise
- magazines
- Coke zero
- the back road to my mom's house
- Savannah
- my shampoo and conditioner
- the spare key on my counter
- I could go on and on.....

Will it ever stop or am I really going to have to put myself in isolation?
Halloween is supposed to be all about fun and I just can't get on board. I've heard that if you force yourself to smile then your body releases endorphins or something and it helps to actually cheer you up, but it's not working. All I can think about is how blissfully ignorant I was when this month started. I have a Halloween party to go to tonight and I had to throw a costume together last night because the costume that I pre-ordered was sort of a tribute to Survivorman. It's a sexy-ish female version of his specific military branch's uniform. I was thinking of going ahead with it anyway until I got another email from him yesterday (more on that later.... it's another story in itself). Now, I just don't think I could manage to wear it without crying throughout the entire party. My dog is going too, it's a pet friendly party, and he's still going to wear the costume that I got him. His costume is actually what inspired me to order something to match. We were both going to dress up like Survivorman and send him pictures so he would know that he was missed for the holiday. It's too late to get him anything else at this point, so he's going as planned. Plus, he's just too cute in the costume to not put it on him. Yes, I dress my dog up for Halloween - deal with it. I'll probably tear up when I put it on him because it will just remind me of my plans, but I'll manage. That makes me think of that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, make plans." So true. I'm debating sending a picture of my dog to Survivorman anyway. They kind of became best buds and I think he might like to laugh at him in his get-up. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. Hmm.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Juicy

I've been feeling a little sluggish lately. Could it be a result of the bad breakup diet when you lose weight drastically at first because you can't eat and your crying so hard that it makes you vomit all the time, then you bounce back and drown your sorrows in fast food and vending machine love? Perhaps. Either way, I just haven't been feeling good. My hippy co-worker suggested a 3 day juice cleanse. I've never successfully completed a juice cleanse before, so I was a little apprehensive. But it's all natural, organic, probiotic fruit and vegetable juices and it's supposed to make you feel refreshed and rejuvenated as it cleanses your digestive system and boosts your immune system. What the heck, I'll give it a shot. If I'm miserable from gnawing hunger at least I won't be thinking about the other stuff for a while, right? Sounds like a plan to me.

I'm closing in on the end of day 2 and I gotta say... I don't hate it. I haven't felt weak, hungry, grumpy, or light headed. I'm actually feeling pretty darn good! Tomorrow will be the real test, but I figure if I've made it more than half way already I can go the distance. If I'm still feeling good by Friday morning, I may do another round of juicing in a week or so. I'm going to a junk food infested Halloween party Friday though. I wonder if all of my good work will be null and void after I consume a buch of preservatives and refined sugar. Eh, who cares. I'm feeling good now and that's all that matters.

The Cookies and The Council

Survivorman emailed me yesterday for the first time in two weeks. He was thanking me for the kick ass care package that I sent him. Somehow I managed to send homemade chocolate chip cookies that didn't melt or crumble on their trip to the middle east and he said they were a big hit with his buddies. I knew they would be. Part of me had been visualizing him opening up his care package in front of his friends and all of them asking him who was the wonderful girl who could mix homemade goodies, sports equipment, toys for the kid at heart, porn for the man at heart, and sentimental gushy stuff all in one box... thereby triggering him to think, "she is the most wonderful girl I've ever known, what the hell am I thinking?"

Yeah, so I guess that didn't exactly happen like I had envisioned. He mentioned the cookies and he mentioned the porn. Did he mention anything that I mentioned in my letter? No. Did he mention how he felt about the journal that I had started for him and written in for the first two weeks until he dropped the bomb? No. Did he mention the pictures I sent? No. It was the worst email I have ever gotten, even worse than the email in which he slammed the breaks on our relationship while going 90 mph. It was like he was writing to a stranger. The message could have honestly been penned to a random supportive citizen that sent a generic care package to the troops. I can't even begin to describe the pain I felt knowing that someone who means the world to me could so quickly change his tone. It's like he's trying to forget that I ever even existed as a person of importance to him. Needless to say, yesterday was a rough day.

After consulting with my Venting Council (aka two girl friends, two guy friends, and my mom), I still did not have any clear advice. The men of the council only offered several profanities toward him, told me I deserved better, and that I should tell him never to contact me again. I question their opinions though because they could just be acting protective of a good friend or they could be waiting to ask me out themselves I'm not being conceited here, they've just both tried to win me over in the past.The women of the council still think there is something up with him that may have to do with his excessive emotional baggage (in the words of Dirty Red... more baggage than a 747 - if you don't know who Dirty Red is just continue). They think that there is something else going on that he just can't or hasn't explained to me. They still think that I need to just be patient and supportive and wait it out until he is home again. A huge part of me thinks that too. I really don't have any other choice. It's not as if I can move on and just forget about him anyway, especially while he is still deployed. It sucks for me, but it's the burden I must bear if I want to make it easiest for him right now. Maybe I'm just setting myself up for more hurt later, maybe. But as long as I think that there may be something else causing this I don't see how I could live with myself if I didn't stick around for him a little longer. So now I'm just going to put away all of these feelings in a safe little drawer for the time being and get through the next 3 months as best I can. There is no telling what I might ramble on about to keep my mind off of things as I'm isolated in Limbo.

Monday, October 27, 2008

True Lovin' in Limbo (population: me)

I've had some life-changing experiences during my absence. This summer was the happiest summer of my life. I met someone... not just someone, but THE someone. The someone that makes you forget all about every other person that came before them, as if you were just waiting alone all this time for him to come along. We'll call him "Survivorman". It was the most unbelievable whirlwind romance ever. We went from zero to super serious in about 2.2 seconds. He's the most wonderful person I've ever met. He's smart, strong, funny, sensitive, adorably handsome, as tall as they come, outgoing and shy at the same time, as big of a neat freak as me, has a green thumb, knows the importance of giving flowers, and loves my dog as much as I do. I love absolutely everything about him. I swear it's like we were custom made just for each other. It's the most serious relationship I've ever had. We've talked in depth about marriage, children, how we would raise our children, our preferences in home styles, the idea of relocation, the challenges of a military marriage, what it would be like for me as a military wife, every fear, every doubt, every belief... you name it, we've discussed it. I've never moved so fast with anyone (FYI, I'm a very guarded person!), but nothing I've ever done has ever felt so right. You know how the people who are living happily-ever-after always say that when you meet "the one" you'll just know. Well I just knew. I KNEW! If I've ever known anything, I KNEW that he was the one. No questions asked. I, Princess Prudence-and-responsibility, would not have thought twice before running off to the courthouse to marry him before he left... without telling my family first, without the white dress and the pretty bouquet...I was ready for anything as long as it was with him.

Then he deployed.

And two weeks later he ripped my world out from underneath me. Something happened. The worst part is that I don't know exactly what happened and I have no clue now where we are or what we are doing. It's the most complicated situation I've ever dealt with. There are so many things that he is dealing with right now (aka A LOT of baggage) that I can't even begin to understand... on top of being on his second deployment this year alone. I love him too much to be angry, but I am having just about every other emotion in the book. I'm hurt, confused, shocked, clueless, sad for him, sad for us, hopeful, hopeless, insecure, optimistic, compassionate, jaded, determined and worried about his safety to boot! Can you even imagine what it is like to have all of those things going on inside your head all at the same time? I'm teetering on the edge to say the least. I don't think I'll really know what's going to happen until he comes home in 2-3 months and we can see each other face to face and talk. Until then, I want to give him space, but I can't give up on him either. I'm in limbo. Limbo is like purgatory. Limbo is like a band aid that you can't leave alone, but you can't rip it off quickly either... it's a slow, persistent, endless sting tugging at your skin and ripping at the tiniest hairs. Limbo sucks.

So that's why I'm back. Spilling my ugly guts to faceless internet people, because they are cheaper than a real therapist. I'm just trying to get by one day at a time without completely losing it and if venting on this pointless blog helps to keep me from falling apart, then so be it. Just don't judge. I have too many things going on in my head already to worry about pride or embarrassment, so it is what it is.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bumps in the Road

Ahhh, my blog.... hello old friend. It's been awhile.

I originally entered the blog sphere because writing is so therapeutic for me, but apparently I don't feel the need for the therapy when I'm blissfully happy and everything is sunny side up. That would explain my long absence. It's great when everything seems perfect and you feel like you're just coasting through life with the windows down and your favorite song on the radio. It's so great that you don't want to pull over to write about the ride, you just want to keep riding as long as you can. Besides, who wants to read about that when there is no drama, no intrigue, no confusion, nothing so sucky that it makes you feel better about your own trip?

Well, I've hit a road block, ran out of gas, encountered a slow construction zone, have a flat, the engine's making a funny noise. Whatever you want to call it, drama, intrigue, confusion, and good old fashion suckiness abound! That being said, The Dandelion Chronicles may see some activity in the very near future. It looks like I may be returning to rant, rave, pout, fester and just vent in general. I think it's time to put blog therapy to the test!