Tuesday, November 25, 2008

This and That

There hasn't really been much going on lately. Nothing worth blogging about at least. But just to stay up to date, I'll give a run down of what's happened the past week or so.

~ I did drive over two hour to get those boots. I do love them. It was a fun trip. My mom and I took pictures at the Mall of Georgia like we were tourists or country-come-to-town. Note to self: gotta get out more! But it was a silly day and that's what made it fun.

~ I am having the hardest time ever with grad school. Not the work, but the scheduling. I am trying my hardest to finish up this coming summer, but they are not making it easy. None of the classes that I need are being offered on my campus this spring. That leaves me either taking scattered classes at 3 different schools in Georgia next semester OR begging my boss to let me use vacation time once a week so I can haul my ass up Atlanta where the classes are being offered. My hatred of I-285 is another story in itself. I have no idea what to do and it is causing me much stress.... and stress is something that I already have on overstock.

~ I'm trying not to blog about Survivorman, even though the whole point of getting back to blogging was to help me vent. Venting leads to receiving advice and opinions though. While I know that everything everyone tells me is meant to be helpful, it isn't always. A lot of times it's something that I don't want to hear and just makes me feel worse. It's just hard to hear some people's opinions when you know that they don't fully understand the complexity of the situation. But how can they when I can barely fathom it all myself and I'm eyeball deep in it? Either way, I think it's just best to keep my thoughts and feelings on that to myself as much as possible for now. I don't know how long I will be able to hold out on that though because the closer we get to the holidays, the worse it's getting.

~ On a more positive note, I've been asked out a few times the past couple of weeks. I'm not interested of course, but it's flattering and it has helped me realize that life will somehow go on eventually if I don't live happily ever after with him the way I expected. And a little ego boost may have been just what I needed to keep me from spiraling into a Charter Lake commercial.

~ And Operation G. I. Jane is going even better than expected. Eleven pounds down so far! Granted, at least half of that is surely water weight, but hey I'll take it!

Friday, November 14, 2008

The boots were made for walkin'

I'm on a shoe-kick. I've never really been one of those shoe girls, you know the kind I mean, but something has just come over me lately. Now I've always loved shoes, don't get me wrong! But while I can appreciate the fashion contributions that shoes make, I'm one of those gasp! "comfort comes first" girls. I'm a flip-floper at heart. I will sport a flip-flop whenever there is even a hint of being able to get away with it, regardless of weather. Also I'm a tall girl, so most of the cute footwear I find has too much heel for me. I know that they say embrace your height, but I just don't need an additional 4 inches to stilt me up so I can tower over people any more than necessary. Throw in the fact that I was cursed with wide feet and my shoe rack is just doomed.

That being said, when I find a shoe that I love, I snatch it up. I made a trip to the next town over last night to look for a pair that I have been scouting out. I didn't find them, but I did come home with 2 other pair that I hadn't planned on. Tonight I will try yet another store to find the elusive taupe mary jane that I have in my sights.

But the biggest search by far will finally end tomorrow. I have been in the market for the perfect pair of black boots for YEARS now. I've caved and had a couple of pairs of "getting by" boots, but nothing that I have loved. Well, I found my perfect boot about a month ago. The perfect boot that just makes you feel warm and tingly when you try them on. Great, right? Well of course they didn't have my size. That's just the kind of luck that I have. However, I was assured on multiple occasions by various sales persons that the item was an automatic reorder and they would be getting more in. I have checked back twice a week since then on the days that they get their shipments. Have my boots come in yet? What do you think?! I have tried the store's website, the designer's website, and every overstock/discontinue website imaginable! I've even tried ebay. The boot does not exist online. Anywhere. And if the staff at said store refer me to the website again one more time, as if I'm an elderly woman who doesn't know about the "internets" and hasn't thought to check there already, I may take their headset and shove it up their ass. I'm just saying. Well after being patient and getting no results from it, I decided that I must take action. The perfect boot does not come along often. So tomorrow my mom and I are taking a road trip. I'm driving an hour and a half to a store in Atlanta to pick up my Kenneth Cole beauties. Is that sad? Is that crazy? The answer to both of those questions may be yes, but they way I figure it... it's keeping me busy for a Saturday that I would otherwise spend being sad and lonely and thinking about him AND I am going to have my boots to help me feel all fierce and fabulous when/if I see him again. In the words of Martha, "it's a good thing".

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Fatty McButterpants

So after a couple of weeks of not being able to eat anything or keep anything down without being sick gotta love the heartbreak diet! , I bounced back and have successfully eaten everything that comes within reach. You know what they say, eating my feelings, filling a void and what-not. Well the void is filled alright... and is now overflowing onto the rest of my body. It hit me like a brick wall when looking at pictures from the recent baby shower. What a difference a two or three weeks can make when you are just shoveling it in! I am too ashamed to even admit how many pounds I gained just last week alone. It's time to crawl out of my funk and get my fat ass motivated. And you can bet that is exactly what I am about to do.

Am I a little concerned about the holidays coming up? Sure, a little. We all know that holidays are full of gluttonous temptation. And I will certainly want to eat my feelings, covered in gravy of course, when I start thinking about the Christmas and birthday celebrations that Survivorman and I were planning to make up after he comes home and that fact that he is so far away during such a special time. But I will NOT be deterred! I am turning 30 in 2.5 months and I vow to be down 40 lbs by then. I am not even kidding. I have done it before, so I know it can be done. I know that running and an extremely no-fun diet is the only thing that makes the pounds fall off for me, so that's what it's going to be for the next 10 weeks. I have kind of been inspired by the Navy Seal Fitness Challenge that is coming to Atlanta (http://www.sealfitnesschallenge.com/). I'm not ready for it this year, but I have always wanted to do something like that so I'm going to use their standards as my fitness goal so I can be prepped for next year, hoo rah! This is going to require some weight training as well, so I'm excited to see how that goes. I plan to start on Saturday because it's the 15th and I just do better mentally when I start at a clear breaking point. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to rent G.I. Jane this weekend to get myself pumped. For some reason that movie (especially the scene where Demi is working out hard core by herself and she is all ripped and girl-power-awesome) always makes me feel like doing push-ups. Does anyone else get that?

I'll be updating on this over the next few months for sure!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You can say that again...

A friend sent me a quote today because she thought of me when she read it. I laughed at first at how appropriate it was for me, then I read it over and over and ended up tearing up at my desk.

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

~ Paulo Coehlo

It couldn't be more fitting for my current situation. I think Paulo was reading my mind when he uttered those words. Don't you just love it when you find something that that rings so true to your real life? It makes you realize that you are not the first person to go through what you are going through, even though it may feel like it most of the time. There's a certain kind of comfort found in that.

Thanks L!

Happy Veteran's Day!

I love Patriotic holidays. They are my favorite, always have been (July 4th is my all time fave). No family drama, no hectic schedules, no bankrupt piggy banks, none of the typical holiday stress. On patriotic holidays there is only pride, gratefulness, and remembrance. It just fills my heart and makes me proud to be an American as cliche as that may sound. So be sure to thank a veteran today.

I did... thank a veteran that is. I just couldn't keep myself from sending some thanks to Survivorman, my favorite serviceman. I did so against the advice of a couple of members of my "council", but at least my mom supported my decision. I know it completely breaks my rule of limited contact right now, but it just felt like the right thing to do. Regardless of what's going on between us regarding our relationship, he is still the most important man in my life and he is a career serviceman who holds immense pride in his job. It just didn't feel right now to acknowledge that and give him some thanks. I understand why I was given the advice that I was given and will get more of I'm sure, and I see the other side of it. Really, I DO! But I've never been very good at "the game" and I prefer to just do and say what feels right at the time and not acknowledging his service to our country on Veteran's day... well that's just not me. So I did what I did, but I'm proud of myself for making sure that it was clear that my thanks today was a completely separate issue from the conversations regarding "us" or lack thereof.

So anyway, Happy Veteran's Day! I love this famous picture from VJ Day. It just embodies all the warm fuzzy patriotic feelings that I have on holidays like this.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Fighting the urge

Today is a rough day for some reason. I'm overly emotional for a multitude of reasons and that is just leading to stupidity and weakness. I want to email Survivorman so bad! It's taking everything I have to keep myself from actually doing it. I haven't heard from him since last Wednesday when he completely pissed off. Then things were happening this weekend that made me wish I could just call him as if he were back home. I just want to talk to him and hear his voice more than anything in the world. BUT. I can not allow myself to cave just yet. I need to give it some time for him to realize just how much space he has and how it feels. Easier said than done though. God give me strength... that's all I can say.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Oh baby!

I'm still pissed. It has now died down to just a slow simmer though. I've been too busy today to even think about it for longer than five minutes really. My cousin's baby shower is tomorrow and I've been running around like a wild woman for the past 24 hours trying to get everything done. I'm not complaining... busy is good. Plus it has been lots of fun to plan and has done a good job of putting me in a happy place you can't help but go to a happy place when purchasing infant sunglasses and bunny slippers!. Who can be sad when you are looking at baby stuff!? Well, I admit that I have had momentary lapses into melancholy when certain things have reminded me of the family talk that Survivorman and I had on multiple occasions, but they have been short lived. I'm really excited about this baby! My and cousin and I have always been very very close, so this little princess that's on her way kind of feels like a pseudo-niece. And the closer it gets to her arrival, the more exciting it gets. I think she somehow knows that she is doing her cousin B a solid by scheduling her arrival at the same time that Survivorman is set to return home. Because of that, I will have happy things to look forward to the whole time that I am waiting/dreading/anticipating his homecoming. I can just think about her sweet little baby feet and how precious she is going to feel when I get to hold her and... BAM!, instant puppies and rainbows. Only two more months until our family tree grows a little bit more. I can't wait to meet her and steal baby kisses!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

F*ck you and the white horse you rode in on....

That's my mindset today. I know myself well enough to know that it won't last long at least I'm honest, but I'm enjoying it while it's here. Survivorman pissed me off so bad yesterday that the longer it fermented, the more angry I got. Can you even imagine being so mad at someone that you can feel steam coming from your ears but still breaking down into tears while praying for his safety at the end of the day? Nothing makes sense anymore. Up is down and right is left. I found myself in an online group last night seeking advice on how to deal with the Jekyll and Hyde effect that some servicemen succumb to Loser much?...yeah I know. It actually did help to talk to some servicemen in the 40's and 50's who admitted to that behavior themselves in their younger years. It also helped cheer my up to go shopping. I've become a reluctant fan of retail therapy in the past month. It's bad news for my bank account, but it just does the trick sometimes. You can't feel crappy when you're feeling cute surrounded by new things that don't remind you of him in the dressing room, ya know. It's the retail version of the warm fuzzies.

So here I sit... with a chip on my shoulder and f*ck you in my pocket. And you can bet that I'm going to ride this out as long as I can stretch it because this anger damn sure feels better than the alternative.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

God Give Me Strength

God, give me the strength to bite my tongue and silently support this man while he is away at war, even though all I want to do right now is smack him in the face and rip his testicles out through his throat. Amen.

Survivorman has made the past week exceptionally rough for me. I've gotten to the point where I dread to see his name pop up on an email because I know that it will just stir the emotional pot. Just since last Thursday, there have been lows, there have been highs, and there have been lows again. Today is a low. Today is lower than low. I'm sad and upset, but I've gotten used to that. What makes today different is that I'm pissed. I mean really pissed, completely livid. Today's "conversation" with him has made me second guess everything. It's like I don't even know him. I feel like I've never even met this person that is talking to me. It breaks my heart and it drives me f'ing batty at the same time. How can you hate someone and love someone so much at the same time? How do those two things co-exist so closely? I feel like I'm dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There is home time Survivorman and deployment time Survivorman and the two are night and day. I showed the most anger I ever have with him today and even it was mild. It consisted of a "don't you dare" warning. Pretty tame...pretty lame. As mad as I am at him today, I still can't yell or say anything hateful. All that I can think of is what if something happened to him tonight and the last thing I wrote to him was something mean and I never get the chance to take it back or make it better. It would kill me. So I'm asking God for strength... and guidance... because Lord knows I need it.