The Dandelion Chronicles

Mosaic Maker

2010-01-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

I found this interesting Mosaic game over at Soul Matters .

Here's the game.

1. What is your first name? Brandi

2. What is your favorite food? pizza

3. What high school did you attend? Southwest

4. What is your favorite color? red

5. Who is your celebrity crush? Vin Deisel

6. Favorite wine? Zeller Schwarze Katz

7. Dream vacation? Tuscany

8. Favorite dessert? ice cream

9. What do you want to be when you grow up? mommy

10. What do you love most in life? nature

11. One word to describe you? funny

12. Your Flickr name? don't have one (I liked the bright pretty colors in this picture though).

All you have to do is type your answer to each of the above questions into Flickr’s search. Using only the images that appear on the first page, choose your favorite and copy and paste each of the URL’s into the Mosaic Maker (3 columns, 4 rows). It's a lot of fun!

The Great Job Hunt

2010-01-13T10:14:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but if you know me or have read my old posts, you know that I HATE my job. It actually started giving me panic attacks a few months ago. It's so horrible that I can't even put it into words. It's an extremely toxic environment. The fact that 50% of the employees are looking for new jobs really says something about the place. So needless to say, I've been looking for jobs for what seems like forever. A few months ago I decided that I was going to start seriously expanding my search to the Atlanta area and I've been applying and sending out resumes left and right.

In December, while I was off of work for Christmas break, I got my first nibble. My cousin has worked for a particular college for a several years now and she loves it. As a matter of fact, everyone that I've met through her that works for that company loves it and that's always a good sign. So drove up for the interview, even though I had just a few hours notice to prepare a power point presentation that I would have to give in front of the hiring panel AND the other people there interviewing for that same job! Weird, huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Well, not to toot my own horn, but I owned that interview. I totally rocked it out and I was so proud of myself. They said we'd hear back in two weeks or so, and those were the longest two weeks ever. I had already psyched myself up about moving to Atlanta, so I couldn't wait to hear if I had a chance. Well I got an email Monday letting me know that I had been selected to move to the next phase, which means that I had to take a test that was so hard and long that it rivaled the SATs and they started my background check.

Then Tuesday I found out about the tumor and the surgery. Buzz kill. Now all I can think about is how this stupid surgery may get in the way of me getting this job! If I were to get an offer this Friday, I'd have to ask them to hold the position for me for 6 weeks! I am trying to stay optimistic, but I realize that business is business and they may not be able to make that work. I will be so disappointed though. I'm hoping and praying that I can get my surgery bumped up though and that would only require me to ask that they wait 5 weeks. It's such a crazy thing to finagle. I'd have to stay at my current job long enough to use my sick time and then come back to work after the surgery in order to be considered an employee during that time. So I'd have to be out, then come back, then turn in my notice, then move to Atlanta. It's insanity and my mind is just whirling! To top it all off, I have to pack up my apartment as best I can before surgery, because I won't be able to do it after. I guess I'll know more once I hear about my surgery date and if I get the job offer. Until then, I'm just crossing my fingers that 2010 gets back on a good track for me, I need it!

"It's not a tumor!"....oh wait...

2010-01-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

So that feeling in my gut that 2010 was going to be my year, well it was wrong. It turns out that feeling in my gut was just a tumor a little smaller than a tennis ball.

I knew that something was wrong, but I was thinking that the worst case scenario would be something much less serious. I've been having issues for a few months and I finally had an ultrasound done this morning, a vaginal ultrasound no less.... I don't recommend them. After the ultrasound tech scared the shit out of me b pausing and telling me to stay still because she was going to get the doctor, the doctor did a little more examining of his own. He proceeded to tell me what was wrong, but I didn't really hear anything after the word "tumor."

Tumor. Say it out loud. It's a horrible word. Nothing good can come of it. It's just a bad, ugly word.

It's almost surely benign, but it's still so scary to have a foreign object like that in your uterus. I have to have surgery in a couple of weeks, although I'm trying to get it bumped up to next week so I don't have so much time to stress over it. I'll have to be in the hospital for 3 days and out of work for 3-6 weeks! Ugh!

I'm scared to death, but more importantly, I'm annoyed. This tumor and surgery is throwing a kink into all of my 2010 plans, like a new job and moving. If I get offered a new job this week like I hope (I'll tell ya about that in another post soon), I'll have to ask them to hold the position for 6 weeks! I'm hopeful, but I doubt that I would be that lucky... that is if I ever get the offer. Also, I'm supposed to be out of my apartment by the end of February, but I will be unable to move then on my own. I won't be allowed to lift anything or even bend over, so it's going to suck. Now I'm debating whether or not to extend my lease or pack up before surgery, a month in advance.

Everything is just a mess right now. My planning for the start of 2010 is right out the window. Stupid tumor.

Coming Soon!

2010-01-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

I'm coming back to the blogsphere!

I have a gut feeling that 2010 is going to be my year! I'm sure it will be full of some ups and downs, but overall I think I'm moving in the right direction, so I'm going to blog about it. I'll soon be writing all about the great job hunt, my attempts to relocate to Atlanta, all of my craziness with the men folk, and of course... the new decade diet (that's what I'm calling it now).

So stay tuned....

Big Brother

2009-08-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

I fully admit that it's an obsession. I love this season of Big Brother so much that it's borderline pathetic. Hell, maybe it's even crossed the borderline now. I live for Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays so I can see what's been going on in that crazy house. I feel like I know then and like I'm just their invisible extra roommate all up in the middle of all the drama. It's sad, I know. You can judge all you want because I already know that's it pitiful. The obsession trumps my pride though. This week I have started following a website that summarizes the good stuff that happens during the 24-hour live feeds that you can subscribe to. That's the last thing I should have started because now I can't stop. I check it during the day in between doing work, as soon as I get home from work, before I go to bed... I'm actually losing sleep because I'd prefer to read up on BB and youtube excerpts from the live feed. I was so close to shelling out $40 bucks last night so I could subscribe. So close! I would never get anything done though. I would lose my job for watching BB feed all day. It's a sickness. This season is going to have to end soon so I can get my life back!

Those Wesleyan girls....

2009-08-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have a mild obsession with reading vanity plates and vanity embellishments. I found myself at a red light behind this one today and couldn't help but just chuckle to myself in my car.

Thanks to: store.wesleyancollege.edu/

AKA... My daughter is a lesbian and I'm finally OK with that because she went an "elite" private lesbian college.

Mondays are Stupid

2009-08-17T11:52:00.001-07:00

I am not in a good mood today. It's just soooo a Monday.

Work is redonk and I'll just leave it that. I woke up late. It was rainy and gross outside. Parking is absurd because today is early move in day for students. I made a last minute wardrobe change this morning that has left me sporting a dress that accentuates nothing but fat rolls. Today is my first day of class and I've already decided to skip it because I'm just not feeling academic today and I'm not prepared (aka I need to go school supply shopping). And I'm pretty sure that I just discovered my first deep-set wrinkle. See diagram below.

Mondays are stupid.

Rough weekend =(

2009-08-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

The good week turned into a rough weekend. Not that anything bad "happened" or anything. Actually very little happened at all this weekend. I've had a lot of down time, and while it's been relaxing, it's also given me a lot of time to think. For me, thinking time is bad! It always leads me back to "Surviorman". It all started last Thursday when I went to dinner with a friend and she asked about him, if I'd heard from him, etc. She asked if I would ever give him the time of day again anyway, and I knew that the answer was yes. Absolutely yes. Let me back track here...

About a month ago I got a random text from him. I couldn't open it though and the date stamp on it was 12/1/1999. Obviously that's incorrect and I don't know why my phone won't open the text. I can only see the first part of it that shows in the preview line. The same message actually came through twice. I know it's a new message, but I'm not positive when it was sent, why it makes my phone freeze up, what the message means. It has driven me crazy. This actually happened once before back around March, but I choked it up to a weird phone glitch and assumed that it wasn't really a new message. Now I'm wondering if I was wrong back then. What I can see of the recent message says, " I'm guessing I probably won't see you again and I don't..." WTF!?!? It is killing me not to know what the rest of the message says! After careful consideration and some calming assistance from my bestie, I replied to the message by saying that I received something from him but couldn't open it and that if he was trying to get in touch with me he could do so by email. That was almost a month ago and I haven't heard anything. I effing hate my cell phone right now. What a cruel frigging joke this little gadget is playing on me. I've tried to put it out of my mind since then, but the conversation with my friend last Thursday just opened up the gates to a lot of second thinking. What if the phone Gods have screwed with our connection both ways and he didn't get my response? What if he doesn't have my email address anymore? What if he has been trying to break the silence and test the waters via text since March and I have been ignoring him without even knowing it? I can't stop thinking about it.

In addition to thinking about all of that, I've also picked this weekend to try to clear out the old text messages from him that have been saved in my phone for over a year now. Strange timing, I know. I guess I thought that maybe if I clear some of that out it would help clear my mind, but that's not what happened. On top of that, there's a tropical storm in the gulf. This time last year I was ecstatic when there was a hint of a hurricane in the gulf. It meant that there was a chance that his base would lock down and he would get a few free days to come visit during the week. We had some of our best long weekends together because of last years hurricane season. Now, it's just another storm bringing a bunch of rain. Nothing to look forward to anymore, just depressing rain. And tonight was 'Army Wives' night. Sunday nights are always consumed with missing him because Army Wives reminds me of the lifestyle that we had talked so much about, the lifestyle that I was ready to take on just to be with him. I shouldn't watch it anymore, it would make it easier, but I can't help it. It's like crack.

So here I am, eight months out from the last time we actually spoke and it all still comes back to him. FML.

It's a good week!

2009-08-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty enjoyable! I haven't had one of those in a while, so I'm very pleased about it.

I kicked the week off by going to see one my students in a play. She's so very theatrical and hilarious. I love her to bits. She was Lucy in "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" and she made Lucy the star for sure. It was quite entertaining! I should really get out more on Sundays and enjoy what the community has to offer more often.

I followed that up with a great haircut on Tuesday. I went for the first picture in the previous post, because I'm chicken and wasn't quite ballsy enough to do anything too drastic. It isn't identical obviously, but it looks good on me and I've gotten a lot of compliments so far. It's a familiar style that I'm comfortable with, but just a little more pulled together and stylish. I'm really happy about it. A good 'do can make you feel nice all over.

Last night I had a fun road trip with my mom. We drove up to Atlanta so I could map out my preferred route to campus and see where my class was and everything. It was great just to have some time together to get caught up and chit chat. I treated her to a delicious dinner for riding with me. I also fell in love with Dunwoody while we were riding around. If I move up to Atlanta after the first of the year, I think I am going to try to locate myself in that area. It's so pretty and everything is so nice and cozy feeling. The idea of moving to Atlanta is becoming more and more appealing.

Tonight I am going to scope out my other class in the next town over (I'm a planner, can't you tell?!). I'm picking up a friend along the way and going to dinner afterwards. She's my closest friend geographically and we don't see each other as much as we should. It's hard to mesh our schedules when we are both so busy, but we are going to try to make it more of a priority. I'm excited to catch up with her and just as excited to just get out of the house on a week night!

I hope next week is just as great as this week has been!

Tiff's 'Do

2009-08-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

I've found a haircut with bangs that I am very tempted to try to pull off. As some of you know, I would love to look like Tiffani Thiessen. Well, that's not going to happen in this lifetime, but I do love her hair right now. It can best be seen in the 'Funny or Die' skit that was taped not long ago, in which she makes fun of her recent lack of work by saying that she can't make the Saved By the Bell reunion because she's too busy. If you haven't seen you shoud watch it, it's pretty funny. I love it when celebs can poke fun at themselves.
I'm drifting off subject... I can't get the video clip to load here, so I found a few pictures that show the essence of her 'do. I'm a little afraid that I may not be able to pull off bangs that are so short, but it's so tempting because it would be a fun change. What do ya think?

School Days in the Fast Lane

2009-08-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

How ridiculous is that that I have to take two classes this fall in two separate cities, neither of which is the city in which I live? I think it's absurd and annoying, but I'll do what I must to finish this hellish MBA program and just have it behind me.

I have one class in the next town over, so that's not so bad. I can handle a 30 minute commute after work. The bigger headache with this class is that my tetanus shot has expired and I have to get a new immunization to remove some hold from my account. Now I work at a University, so I understand that there are requirements that must be met, but come on people! You want to make sure that I don't have TB and infect all of your student body. I get it. But what does my immunity to tetanus really matter in the grand scheme of things? I swear I'm not going to search out rusty nails on campus to stab myself with in hopes of a windfall lawsuit. Luckily, I was able to use my position as a higher education administrator to persuade them to issue me a professional courtesy. They waived my hold for 30 minutes so I could get registered for this class before it was filled up. I still have to go get a stupid tetanus shot though. Have you been to your local health department lately? Well I have. I went on my lunch break earlier this week in hopes of just running in, getting the damn shot, and making it back to work within the hour. Needless to say, I left shot-less, afraid, and feeling kind of grimy. That was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I don't recommend it. And what really gets me is that I am going through all this trouble just to take an undergraduate class that I needed as a pre-req for the program, but didn't have. I've already passed the same class at the graduate level, but will they let me exempt the pre-req requirement? Noooo. Ridiculous.

The root of my stress, however, lies with the graduate class that I will be taking in Atlanta. It's only eight weeks long, once a week, and it's my same university (just a different campus) so I kind of know what to expect and I'm comfortable with it. Easy street, right? Uhmm, did I mention that it's in Atlanta? I'm terrified of driving in Atlanta! Terrified. I've been stressing about it non-stop for the past week. I said many, many years ago that 285 is my own personal hell and I stand by that to this day. But my other alternative is I-85 right up through downtown Atlanta in rush hour traffic. I don't know what I'm going to do. I plotted out a route via back roads, but that adds a half hour to the trip. Since I'm already going to have to request to take vacation time to make it to this class by 6pm, I don't think the back roads are an option.

I'm being absurd, aren't I? I know, I know. I just start having panic attacks when driving on the interstates in Atlanta. My palms get sweaty, my throat starts to close up, and my shoulders clinch up so tight that they are up by earlobes! I'm always scared I'm going to miss an exit and get lost, get run over by someone who thinks that 75 mph is a snail's pace, or that my car will break down or throw a tire in the middle of the interstate and I will have no clue what to do.

(Side story)
I haven't always been this way though. It started in college during an ill-fated trip to visit my boyfriend in Alpharetta. I was driving in the pouring rain on 285 late at night, and due to crappy direction and limited visibility I got off at the wrong exit. I was desperately lost! I ended up in some po-dunk unincorporated community near Social Circle. I don't think I could have gotten father from Alpharetta if I had tried intentionally. It was after midnight, raining, and I had no idea how to get anywhere. Finally, said boyfriend had to stay on the phone with me and be my navigation system with the help of internet maps, but I made it! So you can understand my apprehension on the way home a few days later. I decided to avoid 285 altogether and just drive straight through Atlanta. I was doing fine until all of a sudden I realized that my lane had turned into an exit completely unannounced. It was too late to do anything about it and before I knew it, I was in Techwood. Now I hear that after the Olympics, certain parts of Atlanta have drastically improved and that's great. However, this was pre-Olympics! My stance is that whenever you find yourself in a location that you have heard about in rap songs, it's not good. Insert panic attack. So you see, my fears aren't completely unfounded!

I digress...

If any of you have any tips or suggested routes to get to the northeast corner of the perimeter during rush hour send them my way! Wish me luck, I'm skeered.

Snip Snip

2009-08-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me what I was thinking, because I'm still not really sure myself. Maybe it was the style tip I read about what is "in" for the fall, maybe it was the co-worker who I was staring at during my staff retreat, maybe it was the grotesque feeling I got when looking at pictures of myself from the weekend, maybe it was just time for a change, or maybe it was a combination of them all. All I know is that Saturday morning I woke up and took the scissors into my own hands, literally.

Bangs. I cut myself bangs.

Now I have snipper's remorse. They turned out shorter than I wanted, despite my attempt to start out long and work my way up if needed. I was going for the long side swept look and instead I look like a 12 year old who had gum stuck in her hair. I've tried a few different styling products to help make the best of them, but as of today the best fix is a bobby pin. Now I'm torn between waiting it out until they grow into the long wispies that I envisioned or just going for it with thicker "facial" bangs that might help mask my scissor snafu it would be something different at least. Either way, I'm seeking professional help.

Drinking with Co-workers

2009-08-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

The retreat wasn't so bad! I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. This year, there was minimal "meeting" and lots of socializing. It's amazing how much work relationships can change when there is a lot of booze involved.

Annoying-new-girl-at-work still got on my nerves every minute of the trip, but I ended up bonding with the bitch of the office over our shared hatred of her. It's great to know that I'm not #1 on her shit list anymore.

There was a good bit of company funded pre-drinking before our evening outing of bowling. Then I was so tipsy (since I rarely drink these days) that I thought it would be a fabulous idea to order a round of jello shots. Yes folks, I tossed back some jello shots with the work peeps. The bowling scores were down, but the fun was up! I made some highly inappropriate comments about (and to) our hottie hottie 24-year old twins in our division and took advantage of every opportunity for physical contact, no matter how slight. I contributed to conversations that I would normally never have in front of co-workers, including such taboo subjects as anal bleaching. Yeah. WTF? And at the end of the night, me and two of my most fun co-workers decided to break into the pool area and take a dip in all of our clothes. Well two of us did. One was so blitzed that she actually stripped down. It was so much fun and it made me feel young again. Who knew you could have so much fun drinking with co-workers?! But now it's back to reality and everything has returned to suck-ville. I'm not convinced that our office would be much more functional and pleasant if we had a daily cocktail brunch.

Is this day over yet?

2009-07-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness it's almost bed time! I'm exhausted. What a week. Last night was my third (and worst) night of less than 4 hours of sleep. My sleep-deprived crabbiness set off a massive argument with Fireman Bobby last night. It astonishes me that I can have such dramatic break-up worthy fights with men that I'm not even dating, but it's actually not a rarity for me. This was a doozy though, not necessarily the worst fight we've ever had, but definitely the worst result. We aren't speaking now. So of course that just started my day off all bright and shiny this morning.

Work was horrendous to say the least. We are in the friggin peak of the "busy season" and I felt like my head was going to go spinning off of my neck at any moment. Work is bad even on a good day, so today I was actually have chest pains from the stress. To top it all off the geniuses running this thing decided that this week was the ideal time for our staff retreat. Wonderful. What does that mean? It means that I had three days to get five days worth of work done (didn't happen). It means that I have to make arrangements for my fur-baby, pack my bags, and miss out on my free time that I've been looking forward to after 5pm tomorrow. Instead, I'll be packed into a van full of people that I can barely stand, fighting Atlanta traffic just so we can eat at The Varsity because a drive-in with 50 people will be "fun", sitting through 5 straight hours of listening to my boss's boss talk about being a "family" when he doesn't even recognize half of our faces when we pass by and say hello, struggling to stay on my diet in the wake of The Varsity and dinner out some fancy schmancy place, and sitting on the damp ground in business-casual wear while trying to endure the humidity and insects that are sure to attack as we watch the mandatory gay ass laser show portion of the evening at Stone Mountain. A retreat is supposed to be something pleasant and relaxing. What about this sounds like a "retreat" to you? Dreadful. The only silver lining is that I get a solo hotel room and don't have to share with a random co-worker like some of the others. Thank goodness for that.

So after my ridiculous, will-this-ever-end day at work, I dragged my pitiful self on to class and proceeded to humiliate myself on my Finance final exam. It was ugly, I can't even go into it. I'm just praying for a curve and a C. But regardless of how bad that grade is sure to turn out, it is such a relief to just have it behind me. No more studying for a few weeks. Hallelujah!

To top off my crappy day, I rolled on over to the the mall in my a/c-less vehicle to look for a new top to wear tomorrow on the trip. Trying on sizes that you don't even want to touch underneath the most unflattering dressing room lighting ever is NOT the way to end an already bad day. Just take my word on that.

Enjoy the rest of your week folks! I'll be away in staff retreat hell.

Sleep Deprivation - Addendum

2009-07-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

I took half of a bottle of "5-hour energy" this morning and I'm feeling kind of spunky! I can still tell that I'm dead tired underneath the faux energy fix, but it is definitely doing it's job. I think I might actually make it through the day now. I may purchase some more of these and use them when I need to work out because it's giving me a feeling of nervous energy that is making me want to move around a lot.... like a kid on a sugar high. I can't imagine how spazed out I would feeling if I had taken the whole bottle!

Sleep Deprivation

2009-07-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

I've been up until at least 3am the past two nights. That means that I'm rollin' on 8 hours of total sleep in the past 48 hours. Not. A. Happy. Camper. I said at the summer that this semester would be the death of me, and I have almost proven myself right! I'm so exhausted and I just want to have this all behind me so that I don't have to worry about project or papers or finals ever again.

Despite my late hours, I still didn't finish up my final last night. It's due today at 5pm and I'm at work all day. That leaves me with only one choice. I'm about to sit at my desk and finish my final, while under the guise of being busy with real work. That's right, I said it. " Hello, I'm a sorry ass employee." I just don't care. I hate my job so much that I'm pretty much always mentally checked out at this point anyway, so I may as well be able to be productive with things that are of importance to me, right? I'm really not usually such a slacker at work, but it's finals week! And we are going to be out of the office Thursday and Friday anyway so it's certainly like everything would get done this week even if I tried. So now I'm off to finish my final before my head hits my desk in search of some REM.

On the menu today....

2009-07-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sad. As mentioned before, I am on a diet. That's not news though. I am always either on one of two extremes: dieting or eating like the grocery store is going out of business.

Well this week, it's dieting. So for breakfast I had a slice of whole wheat toast and 2 egg whites. I read that Jillian Michaels said it's the best breakfast choice when trying to loose weight. It's supposed to get your metabolism moving while keeping you full and keeping your sugar intake basically null. I have to say that it does a good job.

But now it's lunch time and I'm hungry! I forgot my sandwich. That's like the saddest thing that has happened all day. I didn't actually forget it, but a series of events that occurred this morning (which I won't go into because they make me look not so great professionally) made it impossible for me to bring my sandwich in with me. So I'm sitting her nibbling on my 14 allocated fat-free pringles for lunch, soon to be washed down by the citrus green tea that I left in the fridge last week.

Why don't I just go out and grab some lunch you ask? Well as of yesterday, the a/c in my car isn't working, despite the fact that I just shelled out about $800 bucks to have it fixed two months ago. And I can't walk across the street to the coffee shop because a) I don't trust myself not to be tempted by their divine 3-chocolate brownie and b) the split in the back of my skirt split a little further than intended this morning when I was squatting down to a bottom file cabinet. And as hungry as I am, I don't think I want the world to see the glory land that is my upper thigh/lower ass area. I am going to be so hungry by dinner time!

My Fireman

2009-07-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Fireman Bobby is home! I'm happy about this, I really am, but this just seriously complicates things for me. I don't think I've mentioned him here before. There hasn't been much to say since he's been in Iraq for about two years. He's not military though, he was there serving as a contract fireman aka making hella bucks!.

Bobby and I started off pretty hot and heavy around five years ago. It didn't go far though because of distance, timing, and my issues with dating someone that already had a kid. We've stayed really close though and over the years we have run the gamut from the aforementioned "hot and heavy" to being the best of friends and everything in between those extremes.

The problem is... this is the first time that we have both been single and in the same country in quite some time. The last time we were under these circumstances, we were definitely more than platonic friends and now that he is back that's where he wants to pick up from. That is ohhhh so tempting! But I don't think that it would go any further. And I'm not even sure how much "further" I am looking for. It just always gets so complicated with us. Not to mention the fact that I'm not feeling very "hot and heavy" worthy right now since I'm so out of shape.

But how can I say no to something so ridiculously fantasmic!? What is it about a fireman in his gear?

Procrastination

2009-07-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

"Procrastination is like masturbation. It may feel good for a while, but in the end you realize that you just screwed yourself."

That's one of my favorite quotes, as vulgar as it may be. I'm drawn to it because I am the queen of procrastination. I entered the weekend with a shit load of school work to do and a master plan to spread it all out over three days to ensure that I got it all done. I sit here now on Sunday afternoon with not one thing completed! In my defense, I am almost done with a paper that I finally began last night, but that's not much progress in the grand scheme of things. I still have to finish the paper, take a 4 hour take-home final, do a finance project that I don't even begin to understand yet, and study for another final that I have this week. Oh yeah, I definitely just screwed myself!

And I know this! I know that I have so much work do that I may not even be able to finish if I work straight through for the next 12 hours. Yet, what am I doing? Am I hard at work on anything? Nope. I'm finding absolutely anything to keep myself from doing any of it. I've vacuumed, I've cleaned my dogs ears, I've started laundry, I've read blogs, I've played on facebook, I've experimented with a recipe in the kitchen, I've made lists of things to do later, I've even cleaned the baseboards in my bathroom, and now I'm blogging about it. Is that sad or what?!

Why do I put myself in this position all the time!? I'm screwed.

Comeback Tour 2009

2009-07-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Hi, remember me? I've been in hiding for the past three months, but I think I might be back. I've been inspired by my old friend Leslie to return to the blogsphere. I'm going to try my best to keep it up this time, since I really do enjoy it. It's just a matter of finding the time and I'm going to work on that. So I here I am, kicking off The Dandelion Chronicles Comeback Tour of 2009.

Let's get started...

First, let me get up to date on what's been going on in my world lately. Coach Bobby did indeed get cut from the lineup a few months ago. It was unfortunate to have to cut such a nice, attractive fella. However, when an incident arose involving an empty ring box and a fake proposal "just to see what [I] would say," I knew that he was a little too psycho-adjacent for my taste. Sayonara Coach Bobby. Meanwhile, The Spaniard wants us to get married and have kids like next week and we haven't even been out on a date together in over 2 years. The Virgin has somehow worked his way back into my prospects, College Crush is now in a serious LTR and that pisses me off even though I have no right to be pissed, and Fireman Bobby is home from Iraq for good (you'll probably hear more about that later). And I received a random text from Survivorman this week completely out of the blue. I couldn't open it for some reason though, but I wrote back anyway. That's the first time we've broken the silence since December, but I haven't heard back from him again, so I'm not going to let myself get too worked up over it. So that's the current status of my social life in a nut shell. Click here if you need to refer back to my "man roster".

I made the aggressive, yet foolish, decision to go to graduate school full-time this summer in an attempt to hurry up and finish this effing degree. Summer is the busiest time EVER at work. I'm normally working until at least 7 or 8 every night and still finding myself behind and never able to catch up. Because of that, I haven't even been brave enough to try part-time classes in the summer since, which is why I haven't graduated yet! So I just jumped right head first with summer classes, which means that I must leave work at exactly 5pm on the dot to go to class because classes start at 5pm. Obviously, this means that I'm late to class everyday no matter how hard I try to rush. So my days go from 8am to 10pm. It has been a LONG summer. Actually, that's an understatement. I've been on the verge of a complete mental breakdown since the beginning of June (so much so that my parent's have gotten really concerned!). But there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm so close now that it's blinding me! If I can just make it through next Wednesday aka one more paper, one project, and 2 finals , I'll have the summer semester behind me. Then I will just have one graduate class and one undergraduate pre-req class left. I'm going to take one in Atlanta and one in the next city over. So by the end of this year, I will finally be done with this God-forsaken MBA program!

So with so much stress this summer, you can bet your Big Mac that I've been doing a lot of stress eating. Yes, I'm a stress eater. I eat my feelings, eat to stay awake, eat to calm down, eat to smother out the psychotic screams that I often feel bubbling up in my throat. So I'm a friggin' whale. I started a WW/Biggest Loser program with several of my girls a month or so ago and I was doing well at first, but then mid-terms came and spurts of extra craziness at work and I fell off the wagon. And I fell hard. The wagon basically ran over my lard ass. But I'm back on track as of this week and I'm trying desperately to catch up, but I'm already feeling winded. Hopefully, I will be able to make some progress with my extra free time that I will have in between summer and fall semesters and I'll be able to keep it up. If so, I'm sure I'll be writing more about that.

Work. What to say about work other than I hate it and it sucks the life out of me. I have to be here at least until the first week of September in order to take advantage of the free tuition, but then I am a free woman. I would be more excited about that if the job market weren't so bleak right now. I've been looking and there just aren't many ideal opportunities out there right now. And when I throw in the possibility of relocating after the first of the year, it makes me think I may have to ride it out in the office from hell a little longer. I'll go into more detail about the relocating later. I'm kind of pumped at the thought of it.

So that's the gist of what you've missed me rambling on about it. Aren't you glad I summarized it so briefly instead? I'm excited to get reacquainted with my blog. Let's just hope the blogging bug sticks this time!

The Pearl Funk

2009-04-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just felt too ugly for your pearls? Have you ever felt like you really shouldn't have put them on because you are not looking classy enough for them? No? Is it just me? Well, that's where I am today. I feel gross and, more importantly, I feel like I look gross. I'm disgracing the pearls...

I'm torn...

2009-04-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's been about 3 weeks now since I've been seeing Coach Bobby and I'm still not sure what my feelings are about it. He has gotten major bonus points for admitting his own flaws and letting me call him on it (for example, his motormouth-itis!). He says that he knows he's hell to handle and that he's lived with himself for 31 years so I'm never going to tell him something he doesn't already know about himself. I've gotten pretty comfortable telling him when he is going on and on about something I can't stand to hear about for another second and telling him when to hush up. I've just never dated such a big ball of nervous energy. I told him that I know he can be chill, because I've seen him calm and laid back before (our second date, my favorite so far). A few days after I told him that, he asked me when I was talking about so that he could try to be like that around me more. Aww, now that's definitly an A for effort!

He also asked me about Survivorman last week so I told him a brief summarized version of that saga. He was really considerate and just listened and didn't trash talk Survivorman or anything. He said he understood that it must still be a tender subject and he was more than willing to take it really really slow because he thinks I am worth the wait and he's not going anywhere. I swear, some of the cheesy things that he says are straight out of a B-rated romantic comedy, but they're sweet nonetheless. But despite what he says, he is trying to move this "relationship" along at about the speed of light. When I agreed to first meet him for lunch, I thought it might be fun to have another casual dating partner and see how it goes. But now I feel like I would be cheating if I saw anyone else (it would definitly crush him!) and I just don't know I got to this point. It has completely screwed up my on-again-off-again situation with the Spaniard, but that's a different story.

He's also just super sweet and gentlemanly. We met for lunch last week at the same place that we went for our first date. It's right across the street from my office so I called to make sure that he was there before I walked over. When I got there I couldnt find him anywhere, so I called to make sure that I hadn't mistaken our agreed upon location. He asked me if I was already there and when I told him that I was there waiting, he sheepishly admitted that he had lied when I called earlier because he was really sitting on the bench outside of the front entrance to my building waiting on me with a surprise. Well, I went out the back door that day so I kind of ruined it, oops. When he finally walks up to the restaurant he hands me a long stemmed red rose awwww! and while I'm admiring it and smiling ear to ear he pulls out a tall SmartWater bottle to act as a vase while we are sitting at lunch. How thoughtful was that!? And when we order, he remembered exactly what I had ordered there two weeks prior and asked if I'd like him to order that for me. You know what that means.... he pays attention. He really is just the sweetest.

That being said, I'm still just not sure yet. Contrary to my initial hunch, he has not had much of a dating history and that scares me. I'm not really a trailblazer in that aspect and I prefer to tread where other women have already beaten a distinguishable albeit, sometimes overgrown path. I'm not really a fan of taming the wild, undomesticated, or uninhabited, so to speak. Other points of concern/annoyance include the way he speaks (not the voice, but the delivery), the fact that he wants to hold my hand ALL the damn time, the general untidyness of his bachelor pad, the fact that he has already told his family all about me, the fact that he brought up the word "girlfriend" last night, the fact that he acts like I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him (it's sweet and flattering to a point, but there is a fine line before it makes me start questioning things), his constant calling when he has been notified that I'm not really a phone person, the way he interrupts me when I am talking, the way he kisses (but that's trainable), a super big secret that he told me last night that is making me struggle not to judge him (even though I admire his honesty and am flattered that he felt comfortable enough to confide in me), and the fact that I can't decide if I'm attracted to him or not. When I'm around him and in the moment I am attracted to him, but when I think about what he looks like later or look at pictures, I'm not so much.

I'm just so not sure. I don't want to pass up a good thing, but I'm just not sure what is holding me back. Is it something justifiable that makes us an undesirable match, is it just missing that crucial "spark" factor, or am I just not over Survivorman enough to open up to someone else yet? It would be so much easier if I knew the answer to that. Dating is sooooo difficult! Have I ever mentioned that I see the benefits to arranged marriage....

Today is like damnit

2009-04-24T11:48:00.001-07:00

I am having a very "blah" kind of day. It's the kind of day where nothing is really quite right, but nothing is exactly wrong enough to complain about either. I feel disgusting. I overslept this morning so I had to go with the "natural" air dry look for my hair today. I hate what I'm wearing, it just didn't work out like I planned. I have chipped the polish on my big toenail and I feel like it's just shining for all the world to see, looking all kinds of janknasty. I hate my leather seats when it's hot out because they make me sweat like a ditch digger from Tijuana. I had a banana shake at lunch to try to drown my funk and of course that is now making me feel Jerry Springer fat. The a/c in the office is not up to speed with the heat, so that is making me irritable. To top it all off, Goldie quit today (yeah, like we didn't see that coming...we were practically praying for it). So add that in with the fact that we are already down 3 people today and that equals me running back and forth from my office to the front trying help the front desk associate with everything that still has to be done, including everything that Goldie left completely abandoned on her desk this morning. AND front desk associate is leaving at 3 today and my boss is in a meeting the rest for the day, which means that I will be manning the phones and foot traffic and not getting any of my own work done since I will be the only person in the office for two friggin hours. Ughhh! I just want to go to bed and start over fresh tomorrow.

Spring fever!

2009-04-21T08:44:00.001-07:00

Spring is a time of renewal and every year I follow nature's lead and clean out the old and bring in the new. Fortunately or unfortunately for my wallet, this time of renewal also allows me to do my part to help save the economy. I've been doing a lot of spending lately, but I don't consider it a bad thing because I'm not being wasteful. I'm simply purchasing things to help improve my little piece of the world. Here are a few new additions that are helping me clean out the old and bring in the new.

The Dyson DC25 Animal Ball vacuum. If my soul mate came with an electrical plug, this would be him! I have wanted a Dyson for sooooo long, then they came out with the Animal and it just intensified my desire. When they debuted the Animal Ball, I could barely contain my exuberance! Lucky for me heeheehee! my previous vacuum died recently... but by natural causes and not without every effort for resuscitation, I swear! It just so happened that my friend Claudia purchased this lovely Dyson for herself in the midst of my Hoover's illness. After hearing how much she loved it, I couldn't be swayed. I HAD to have it! I live with a Golden Retriever for God's sake, it's a necessity and I vacuum every day. I justify this extravagant purchase by noting the superior quality, the 5 year warranty, and the fact that I would have to purchase a new vacuum now and another in about 2 years and those would add up to the purchase price of the Dyson anyway. So, whatever... I got it. And I LOVE it! I also got some great hanging organizers for my purses and bags. Now I just need to organize my closet so I can put them up.

I also spruced up my patio a bit to put me in the mood for spring. I have some lovely hanging purple jew plants, pink begonias in my flower boxes on my railing, and some yellow dahlias in my cutesy metal planter. It makes me feel very cheery to look out my door with all of the happy colors. Now I just need to clean my Adirondack chairs so I can actually go out there and enjoy it!

And I've done a little spring shopping. I feel like all of my clothes go missing when they are packed away for the season, I don't know. Plus the fact that half of my clothes from last spring don't fit because I'm a fat ass... but we won't go there right now.

I think this thin yellow tunic from the Gap will look cute with some jean capri's and the bonus is that I can also wear it to work this summer with khakis!

I got this skirt in this lovely shade of coral and also in brown. They are cotton and comfy and with a cute tee, they will be perfect for quick weekend errands or going to the ballpark (if I continue to see Coach Bobby).

I adore these dresses. They are so comfy and I can dress them up or dress them down. Casual dresses are my favorite in the summer because they are so quick to just throw on without leaving you looking like a total mess. I can wear them to work with a little cardigan or summer jacket. I'm pumped.

P. S. Sorry for those who use google reader and got this post before there were any words on it. I had an accidental case of premature posting.

Goldie

2009-04-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

A new receptionist started at work this week. She's a hot mess fo' sho! She wasn't exactly the first choice, but there were some issues with Human Resource policies that I won't go into here. I have taken to referring to her as Goldie (but not to her face!). You see, she has a large gold tooth right up front on her grill. It's classic ghetto at it's finest. Other note worthy points about the train wreck that is Goldie: the large chunks and yes I do mean CHUNKS of visible dandruff nestled snuggly atop her weave, and the kickin' case of halitosis that she so proudly shares with anyone within four feet of her. And I'm not pointing fingers here, but have you ever heard the phrase "dumb as dirt?" I'm just asking.

Death & Taxes

2009-04-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people that wait until the very last minute to do things. I'm such a procrastinator! Now in my own defense, I don't usually procrastinate on things that might effect other people. However, I have no qualms about pushing the limit when it will only screw myself over. That's what I almost did this year with my taxes. I always have to pay (because I'm too much of a procrastinator to ever actually amend my W-4) so I'm never in a hurry to file and part with my money. Last week I kept telling myself that I needed to remember to do my taxes over the weekend. That little reminder came and went and my taxes never did make it to the front burner. Then yesterday afternoon one of my favorite students (and one of the hottest.... hey, he's well into legal territory so don't judge!) came in to talk about his account and as I playfully reprimanded him for not submitting something to me already, he told me that he has just completed his taxes last week. I almost came up out of my desk chair with panic! I frantically grabbed my calendar to see what the date was. Phew! Only the 13th! My heart rate was up for nothing I hoped. So last night, I completely lucked out and found all of the paperwork that I needed in my jumbled basket of unopened mail (that's the one are of my life in where my OCD does not tread!). Upon the suggestion of my hottie little student, I used an uber-easy website to file since I had waited too long to use my parents' turbo tax. To my oh-so-pleasant surprise, I only owed a combined total of $22 for both my state and federal! Yay! Now I need to work on either getting married, buying a house, or popping out a kid so I can get some tax breaks soon!

With that, I will leave you with my favorite quote about procrastination. I warn you that it's crass and unladylike to repeat, but it just makes me laugh.
"Procrastination is like masturbation. It might feel good while you're doing it...but in the end you realize that you just f***ed yourself!"

Chatty F'ing Cathy!

2009-04-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

I may have spoken too soon! After Fridays date I was digging Coach Bobby hardcore. Then came Saturday. I went to the little league game and it just started out on the wrong foot immediately. As I approached the bleachers, I was spotted by my boss and she called me over and asked me to sit with her. I was dreading that possibility, so of course that would happen. Throughout the game, Coach Bobby teetered between excited-little-league-coach-adorable and spazzed-out-over-excited-annoyance. After the game we went to the nearby pub/restaurant to have some drinks and socialize with his friends. Hi friends were very nice, really they were. However, each and every one of them individually asked me what high school I went to and I could see the shift in their faces when I realized that I was a product of public school <GASP!!>.

There were parts of the day when I saw parts of Coach Bobby that I really, really liked... like when he spent 30 minutes in the game room entertaining his best friends little 2 year old daughter. But then there were other times. Times in which I thought I was going to loose my mind if he didn't shut the hell up! Yes folks, Coach Bobby is one of those men who will talk and talk and talk just for the sake of hearing his own voice. It's quite unfortunate. And of course, you know how it goes when you notice something that you don't like about someone.... it ends up being ALL you notice. What makes it worse is that I don't like the way he talks. It's impossible to explain, but I just hate the way he stresses certain syllables or faces that he makes while talking. I think it may have a good bit to do with the salesman in him. I know it sounds silly, but it's those little things that can make it or break it.

The issue was confirmed when we were on the phone yesterday. After he had gone on and on and on about little league team strategy that I care nothing about, he said, "Well I'm tired of hearing my own voice now, how was your day?" I didn't even get ten whole seconds into my answer before he interrupted me and started talking about himself again! After a few instances of that, I decided that I would just try to talk over him if he tried to pull that again. My chance came up, I tried to over talk him to prove that it was my turn to talk, and he STILL over talked me! Damn Coach, get a clue! To make matters worse... after spending all day with him at the ball park and the pub, he called me later that night and I said that had some things to do so I might call him back later if it wasn't too late when I got finished. That was about 9pm. Instead of waiting for me to call back if I was able (like I clearly explained to him), he called 4 times between 11pm and 1am. Are you effing kidding me!? I'll call you back when I can dude! Ughhh!

So now I'm not sure what to do. Other than his non-stop chatter and his exaggerated form of verbal delivery, he's a great guy! I've never invested time in a fixer-upper, so I'm just not sure. Should I cut my losses now and not waste any more time on someone whom I'm already annoyed with after only 3 dates, or should I give it some time and see if I can groom him into a less annoying conversationalist and a less persistent suitor? I just don't know. Opinions, suggestions, advice??? Anyone???

Matchmaker. Matchmaker, make me a match...

2009-04-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I think I might owe my little pre-pubescent matchmaker some major gratitude. I had my second date with Coach Bobby this afternoon and I am all smiles! I think he may be the prefect balance between old fashioned gentlemanly manners and manly, cocky, sexual tension. And that balance is ohhh so attractive!

Let me back track to the first date though. He met me for lunch Tuesday at the pizza place right across the street from my office. He told me he was waiting out front for me to walk over. When I got there I saw that there was just one person outside though and it didn't look like him. I was looking at the guy and wondering if I should call Coach Bobby to see if he was inside or something when the guy stood up and starting walking toward me with a smile. It was him. He didn't really look anything like the photo I had seen, but I'm not complaining... he was even cuter in person. I was pleasantly surprised to say the least! Lunch just flew by and there was only about one 30 second lull in conversation when we both happened to be chewing. It was great. When my lunch hour was almost up, we got up to leave and he told me he would walk me back to my office. So we got another 5-10 minutes of conversation in. Then once we got to my office, he even came in to meet my co-workers (voluntarily)! He got major brownie points for that.

We met for drinks this afternoon once he got off of work. He was wearing glasses today and made them look so friggin cute! He was flirty, but still a perfect gentleman. It's sad that good manners are so impressive to me. They should be commonplace, but unfortunately that is not always the case. He pulled my chair out for me, got the door, and held my hand while walking me to my car! Chivalry isn't dead after all! I had such a good time. Coach Bobby, while there are a few things that I'm not sure I love, really is looking quite promising right now. I'm going to need him to kiss me soon so we can see if there is a spark there.

Tomorrow, I'm going to his team's baseball game (he coaches little league, how cute!?). I'm a little nervous because all of the kids on the team and the other coaches know that we were set up by one of the kids. I think we might be a spectacle that gets a lot of attention after the game! Then I think we are supposed to go out to lunch with his best friend and his wife because he wants them to meet me! Ahhhh! I might be freaking out a little!

Batter Up!

2009-04-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Following the catastrophe of a blind date two weeks ago, I was set up with yet another stranger. Now I have been set up many times (probably more than my fair share!), but I must say that this is by far the most humorous set up ever. The comedy of the situation comes from the fact that the matchmaker is an 11 year old boy whom I have only met once for about 5 minutes. That's right folks, an 11 year old boy has taken it upon himself to try to ease my spinsterhood.

The boy is my boss' son and I've only briefly met him when he's come into the office with her and has been forced to display good manners and speak to everyone against his will. Well apparently he was going to suggest his newly single 18 year old sister to his unattached 31 year old baseball coach. When his mother told him that his sister was too young, he asked about the younger lady at work (aka me!). So boy set his matchmaking wheels in motion, told "Coach Bobby" about me, and instructed him to look me up on facebook and send me message. When my boss walked in to my office the next day I thought that some kind of shit was about to hit the fan, because that was the first time in 2 years that she has come into my office and sat down in front of my desk. To my disbelief, she proceeded to tell me that her son had set the wheels in motion to set me up with his baseball coach.

I was feeling pretty awkward about the situation at first. I mean, do I really want to let my boss and her family get intertwined with my personal life? What if I don't like him or what if we hit it off at first and then crash and burn. Will she take it personally? Will I have to filter my venting of work frustrations around him? Is this going to have an effect on my professional standing (good or bad)? All sorts of questions have come up. To make it ever worse, everyone in the office is making jokes and picking on me since they have heard about it. There wasn't one day last week that I wasn't asked about the situation and if we had gone out yet. But I've talked to Coach Bobby a few times anyway, via facebook and phone. We're hitting it off so far, but who knows until we are face to face. We have a lunch date today. I'm all kinds of nervous, but I'll take a swing at it. Batter up!

General Lee Update

2009-04-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's a little more common than I would have imagined. I found a photo of this one that is somewhat similar. Still unbelievable...

Blind dates. Wow.

2009-04-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have had the most "interesting" experiences in my dating life lately. I must share the details of my last blind date two weeks ago! Prior to the date, this guy sounded really promising. He was good "on paper" and we had a couple of great conversations by phone before getting together. Then came date day. We were supposed to meet about half way between each other for drinks and a bite to eat. Well traffic was horrendous that day due to construction. So as I am pulling off of the interstate at our designated exit, I get a call. It's him. Traffic is so bad and he has just been sitting on the interstate for 30 minutes, blah blah blah, "maybe you should just turn around and head home since today doesn't look good". Excuse me? I'm a planner, and I have had this Saturday planned around you and this damn date for the past week and a half. Are you seriously cancelling on me when I'm already here waiting on you (I'm pretty sure that's the same thing as standing me up!) ? I don't think so. So we agreed that he would get off at the next exit he creeped too and I would drive on up further to meet him. So about an hour later, since I got stuck in the same traffic, I pulled up to some random Mexican restaurant. This is where it gets interesting! I'm going to keep the points brief and let them speak for themselves:

1. He wore parachute pants! Yes, indeed. Swishy parachute pants, a cheap T-shirt, and way too white, too big, too nerdy sneakers. Way to dress to impress, buddy.
2. He texted the whole time we were talking.
3. He ordered and had started eating before I even arrived.

And Drumroll please....

4. Picture this - 1997 Geo Metro, custom painted like the 'General Lee'. With the added bonus of the 'General Lee' horn.

That's all I have to say about that.

So Far, So Good!

2009-03-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I posted my rant about being a whale. I thought I'd post an update. While I can't rightfully refer to it as Operation G. I. Jane, because I am still struggling to work out hard core, the weight loss aspect is going really well. I'm staying on track with the walk/running , but the push ups, crunches, and other toning and muscle building moves are still severely lacking. I find myself frustrated most days that it's not falling off even quicker, but that's because I tend to set unrealistic goals for myself. However, since the last post, I'm down at least 15 lbs! Not too shabby when I realize that it's only been two and a half weeks. 11 of those lbs have been in the month of March, so I think I am well on my way to meeting my goal of 20 lbs in March. I might have to step it up a bit the next two weeks though, because I'm sure the next 10 will be a little harder (ya know how it goes... the fatter you are, the easier it is to lose). If only I could force myself to wake up an hour earlier to work out in the mornings too! Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. However, I did read over the weekend that women who went from sleeping 4-6 hours a night to sleeping at least 7.5 hours each night will usually lose weight even without trying or changing their eating and exercise habits. It has something to do with a chemical that your body releases during deep sleep. I might have to try some early bird shut-eye to see if it helps! It certainly can't hurt and I do love to sleep. Win-win? I think so.

Go Big Girl, what you gon' do!?

2009-02-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

Back in November I mentioned that I was starting Operation G.I. Jane to get my slack ass in shape. I'm sad to report that the operation was quickly aborted. As I've said before, I'm an emotional eater and I eat my feelings. Well there have been a LOT of feelings to devour in the past 3 months and I'm stuffed. Somewhere along the line, the mission became more like Operation Shamu! I've done a great job of quickly transforming myself into a 4 ton beast. Really? Have another cookie big girl! It's ridiculous. I weigh the most that I have in about 10 years. I know this because I finally had the courage to weigh in last week and see exactly what the damage was it was so bad that I almost fell off the scale. It wasn't a complete surprise though. Since the heavy blows from Survivorman in December, I just didn't care. Then came the holidays, then work got crazy, then I survived Valentine's Day by using chocolate as my life support... it's just been a vicious cycle.

Well that is all about to change. Operation G. I. Jane is back on in full effect! I've lost about 5 pounds in the past week and I have about 10 to go just to get back to pre-Shamu weight! Then I'd like to lose another 20-25 on top of that and I will be happy again. It's do-able. My goal is 20 pounds in a month good thing March has 31 days! . Unrealistic? Sure. Unhealthy? Probably. Is that still my goal? Yep! And I'm putting it in writing here for both of my TWO readers to see , so the pressure is on. I think I can do it though. I'm about to get real up close and personal with my treadmill this month. I'll report the outcome on March 31st!

Go big girl what you gon' do, Go, Go big girl what you gon' do....

Lent

2009-02-25T07:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Ash Wednesday! Today marks the start of Lent. I'm not Catholic so I'm not exactly "required" to give up anything, but I try to each year anyway. I am having a hard time deciding this year though. I'm torn between meat, french fries, and diet coke. I'm making a point not to ingest any of them today until I decide though. I think french fries for sure, but I want to double up with one of the others as well. I'm afraid going 40 days without Diet Coke may kill me though. Maybe I will try all three if I am feeling brave. A friend suggested that I give up the snooze button on my alarm like he did last year, but I think I should try something that I may actually stand a chance as sticking with!

The Man Roster

2009-02-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Since I entered the dating game again, I've made a conscious decision to not put all of my eggs in one basket. That way, if one basket crashes and burns, I'm not completely eggless. Now I'm not carrying on more than one "relationship" simultaneously no worries - I'm no skank, I'm just keeping things casual with a few different people. I thought I'd give a quick run-down of the players.

Mr. Midwest - He's from Ohio, bless his heart. I'm not usually interested in the fellas from above the Mason-Dixon, but he's a sweetheart in an endearingly dorky way. He found himself in Georgia because of his job with a local athletic conference. He's not exactly what I would call my type physically, but he's close. My favorite thing about him is that he likes to watch all the trashy-esque tv shows that I do, so I can scoop it out with him about the latest Grey's drama. Downside... he's a cat person. What self-respecting man is a cat person? I think he may be leaning more toward friendland, but I'm keeping an open mind.

The Spaniard - We go way back. We first went out after my relationship with Scuba Steve ended back in 2006. We were both rebounding from our ex's and neither of us were really looking for a new relationship at the time. We've kept in touch the whole time though and he thinks it's a sign. He has wedding and baby fever worse than any woman I know, so I'm confident that if I was ready and willing to go that route, he'd jump to it pretty quick. My apprehensions about him include his bad luck with jobs. Both times that we have started "talking" in a romantic way he has gotten laid off. Maybe I am the bad luck for him! I also don't like his last name. I fully realize that that is snobby and petty of me, but it's just the way it is and I'm being honest. He's of Spanish decent and that's completely sexy, but his last name reminds me of a migrant worker and I would just never want to have that last name if things progressed with us. He's really cute though and definitely my type physically. He makes me smile and always says the sweetest things that brighten my day. I'm on the fence with how I feel about him... sooo on the fence that it's annoying!

Bama Boy - He's a little sweetheart from Alabama. He's the furthest geographically and that does present a problem. He was recently laid off as well, but he's an engineer by trade. He's definitely got the big teddy bear thing going on that I like so much, but he has light hair and that just throws me off a little. I don't think there is enough spark there to warrant the distance issue, but I'm not writing him off just yet.

The Virgin - It is just me or is it a little scary to think about dating a 28 year old virgin? He's adorable in every way and is the true definition of the All-American boy next door. He is the sweetest ever, and not in the annoying way that Beaver Cleaver was. His status is by choice and while part of me thinks that it's the sweetest thing ever, part of me thinks that it would never go anywhere because I would never want to be the one to end that streak for him, ya know? It's quite an awkward situation. The rational side of me tells me to avoid it altogether, but then something just keeps me interested. However, I think I should steer clear of potentially dramatic situations. We'll see.

Mr. Pilot - He's a southern fraternity boy turned commercial pilot. He's gorgeous in a very manly way and sooooo my type! Love his body, love his voice, love his personality, love his job, love it all. It's hard to think of something that I dislike about him, other than the fact that he was married before and enjoys living in the city... both things that I can overlook. He makes me a little nervous, but in a good butterflies kind of way. Mr. Pilot is definitely the front runner right now. I'm secretly rooting for him in the back of my mind, but I'm not going to jinx it.

College Crush - Well, a girl can dream!

You know you hate your job when....

2009-02-20T12:28:00.001-08:00

You know you hate your job when you feel a mixture of happiness/jealousy/anger when your co-workers turn in their notice. I've known since day one that I hated this place, but I've had to stick it out a while for the graduate school benefits. It's always been in the corner of my mind that I wouldn't be here long and I assumed that I would be the first to leave out of all of the current employees. My office is actually split up into two offices physically, across the hall from each other. There is the good side and the bad side. I'm lucky enough to be on the good side and I love all the ladies in my office (to some degree.... some more than others, but we kind of stick together like the 4 musketeers no matter what in order to endure the evil co-workers from the other side).

Well today, my favorite co-worker turned in her two week notice. She's only been here 6 months, but she is one of the sweetest people I've ever met and I just adore her. I almost teared up when she told me. Then I got a little irritated and jealous that she was getting out of this hell hole. Eventually, my happiness for her overrode the jealousy and we spent most of the morning hearing about the job she accepted. That didn't last long though.

After lunch, another co-worker confided in us that she had applied for a position with a business that we work with closely in our field. She got the call last night and has an interview Wednesday. I think she's a shoe in because she already has the personal relationships built with many of the people she will be interviewing with. She recommended that I get my own resume in order ASAP and not be concerned with leaving during the busy season. I can handle one person leaving, but not two at once. I'm currently pouting in my office, because they can't wait until June when I can leave (after receiving my tuition benefits for the summer). In situations like this there should be a "no co-worker left behind" rule. Meanwhile, the third co-worker just graduated with her teaching degree in December and is trying to find a teaching position as soon as possible. I hate them all right now. They can't leave me here with all the sucky people! What am I going to do!?

The Anti-Valentine

2009-02-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been hiding under a rock or resting peacefully in a coma, you know that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Hate. I realize that people may expect to hear that from me since I am single again and still a teensy bit bitter about my last love, but that's not the whole story. I have always hated Valentine's Day, even when I am knee-deep in lovey-dovey coupledom. It's a day for cheesy, expensive, insincere exhibits of love. It's a commercial holiday that only results in stress by causing pressure to purchase your mate the perfect gift that is on the same price and seriousness scale as what you think they might get you, pressure for both of you to simultaneously be in the most romantic mood that you will ever attain that year, pressure to magically make up for every argument, annoyance, or short-coming that is still recent enough to live on in memory, pressure to measure up to all of your friends and co-workers in the gift-giving and (especially) gift-receiving competition which is unspoken but we all know it exists! , and pressure to basically have the most romantic night ever. It is very rare for all of that to come together perfectly. It's just too much. I've never been a fan and I doubt I ever will. So tomorrow, while everyone is out participating in the love equivalent of a pissing contest... I will be hermited up in my apartment with as many non-romantic comedy dvds as possible. Then on Sunday I am going to buy myself flowers and chocolate for about 85% off!

The blog bug

2009-02-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

Where did the blog bug go? I had it. Then I lost it. I think my intense hatred of my job is sucking all of the life out of me. I'm pretty much existing in a comatose state in the few hours between working days. I'm coming back though! I have stuff to talk about, I just haven't had the energy to blog about it... how lazy is that!? As if blogging requires much energy. I'm telling you, it's the job. Every time I walk into this office, I can literally feel my ulcer developing. Ugh! More to come soon.

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-01-30T10:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm officially 30. WTF!? I don't feel 30! How can this be? I had pretty much been dreading this birthday for the past 2 years. The realization that I would no longer be a twenty-something was just too much to handle. I decided several months ago that I was going to ignore the day altogether, because if I pretend like it never happened then it didn't, right? I wish! So I had been following through with my plan to remain in complete denial. I had warned co-workers that I did not want any kind of celebration and that any thing more than a friendly "happy birthday" would be met with scowls and harsh words. I had denied my family the opportunity to plan a dinner. I covered all the bases. Then this week, I just changed my mind. I wasn't freaked about it anymore for some reason. Like magic. It's never been so much about the aging issue as much as it is about what I thought I would have accomplished by the age 30. I thought I would be done with school, working in a career that I was passionate about, married, maybe with kids. None of that has happened yet, but the more I think about it... I'm ok with it. I decided I am going to be "thirty, flirty, and FABULOUS!" and I can still be that even though my life is a work in progress. I called my mom and told her to throw together a shin-dig for Friday night to celebrate the life and times of B. When the birthday rolled around yesterday, my co-workers ended up having a cake and presents for me and I wasn't even bothered by it. I did draw the line at singing though. Instead of being annoyed, embarrassed, and ancient when friends sent me birthday wished on Facebook, I welcomed them warmly and felt thankful to have such thoughtful friends in my life. So my feelings toward 30 have changed. Granted, I still don't feel like I'm 30, but as a friend told me today, I am going to "reinvent 30!" I don't feel any different today. I actually feel better since I've calmed down about the whole thing. It's all about how old you feel. So far, 30 ain't bad!

The Return of the Drunk Dial

2009-01-24T09:16:00.000-08:00

My phone rang around midnight last night. I should have let the call go straight to voicemail. Should have, but didn't. I normally screen my calls and don't answer anything from a number that is not identified by name on caller ID. But even though this number was obviously not in my caller ID, I recognized it. I knew that I knew whoever it was because the number was familiar, but I just wasn't sure who. So I answered.

I didn't hear "hello", "may I speak to B?", or even "hey, it's ----". No, instead I hear, "what are you doooooin?" in a distinct pillow-talk sing-songy voice that I recognize immediately. It was the ex. Well not THE ex, but the ex-ex, Scuba Steve. That's right, it was he whom I haven't actually spoken to in well over a year. We just recently became friendly enough to exchange a few sparse words via facebook, but that's it. Needless to say, it was strange to hear him on the other end of the line. Strange, but not completely surprising. I had been somewhat expecting this call since seeing that he and his girlfriend broke up recently.

Side note: A big thanks to Facebook for unsolicited stalker-esque info. They make it so easy these days. The young girls of this era probably have no respect for the midnight drive-by or Houdini-like email hacking skills. Not that I was ever an expert in either of those {cough, cough}.

It was so obviously a booty call, not so cleverly disguised as a hey-how've-you-been-I've-missed-you call. Um, Scuba Steve, I was not born yesterday! We talked a little over an hour, caught up a little on each other's lives, talked about some of the 'good ole days', he made inappropriate innuendos, I shot him down, we got into a huge and repetitive argument about our break-up over 2 years ago, and ended with me hanging up on him. I'm interested to see how he acts now after that very complex turn of events.

I must admit, that I got a little twinge of pleasure when I saw that his relationship had ended. Not because I want to be with him again! I care about him dearly and I wish him well, but I am completely over him and I don't think I want to backtrack with him. The pleasure was more derived from the fact that what goes around comes around. Also, it's nice that he has finally ended my run as a the female version of Good Luck Chuck. It seems inevitable that every ex boyfriend ends up marrying or having children with the girl they date right after me. It's nice to have the cycle broken. I also got a few warm fuzzies from bursting his booty call bubble. Yeah right, buddy! You had your chance. What did I learn from this? That I do NOT miss drunk dials. Not one bit.

Temptation - It's Not Just An Island

2009-01-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

I just had a very long conversation with College Crush via IM. What that man does to me.... it's utterly indecent and deliciously inappropriate. I know that part of it is because I have put him on a pedestal of sorts and he seems so unattainable, but there is just something about his confident flirtation mixed with his boy-next-door modesty that adds to the appeal. In an ideal word, he would ask me out on sweet date and we would laugh, and hold hands, and kiss awkwardly like a hallmark commercial, and wait a respectable number of dates before even taking it to a PG-13 level. In reality, I find myself reevaluating my stance on the skankilicious ritual known as the adult-world booty call. Oh heaven help me. My love life has had a rough year and now I'm in a self-induced good-girl dry spell, does that mean that I justifiably deserve a night or ten of carefree, lustful indulgence? Or is that just my subconscious trying to rationalize whore behavior? I have really strong morals, I swear I do! But the boy is so effing tempting! And he's just right across the street, it would be so...convenient.

To 3 Day or Not to 3 Day?

2009-01-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing advertisements for the breast cancer "3 day" walk for the cure. I'm finding myself drawn to it. I think it would be an interesting experience, a good way to get involved with something, and it would obviously benefit a very good cause that hits close to home for many of my relatives, co-workers, and friends. I'm hesitant though because the fundraising requirement of $2,300 scares me. I just don't know if I can raise that much. I also don't love the idea that I'd have to spend a weekend sleeping in a two person tent with someone that I don't know. That may sound petty to some, but those that know me understand that I am weird about personal space and privacy. I think I could get over that though, but the $2,300... that's a lot to raise. I'm not going to rule it out though. I'm going to think about it a little bit longer. Maybe I can find something else that benefits a good cause (while tying in my personal health goals) that has a more realisitic fundraising goal for me. I need to look into this.

Potty Mouth

2009-01-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

I have caught myself running off at the mouth lately like a sailor on a weekend pass in Tijuana. I wonder when this started happening. How long have I been using the same eclectic vocabulary as the toothless chunk of skank that operates the Tilt-a-Whirl? There is just no telling.

I think it may have started back in the summer when I was around him and his dirty military mouth all the time. Then during all of the drama that followed, I probably vented with ugly words more than I should have. You would think it would have died out after that, but I suppose I have kept the filth alive with my frustration with work and annoyance with people. It reminds me of a girl from my early years of college who used to insert countless random curse words in completely unexpected places in normal conversation.

What the eff!? I've got to get this under control! It's ugly, negative, uncivilized, rude and most definitely unlady-like. I think now is the time to ask, WWAD? Read: What Would Audrey (Hepburn) Do? Maybe I should start a cuss-jar? Nah, that won't work, I'm way too broke for that nonsense this month. Maybe I should acquaint myself with a bar of ivory for some verbal cleansing? I wonder if soap has a calorie count. Maybe I just need to really cuss someone out and let them have it to purge my system? Hmm, that sounds like the most appealing option so far. Ughh! For effs sake! I don't know how I'm going to break this cycle.

Always a Bridesmaid - Part II

2009-01-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

I went shopping with my sister today for her wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses. As stressful and tiring as dress shopping can be, it's so much fun to see all those pretty princess ensembles. I served as my sister's personal chamber maid, which means that I chipped a few nails fiddling with all the hook and eye closures, have blisters on my finger tips from lacing up corset styles, and built up enough static electric charge from crinolines to jump start a heart patient! Big sis narrowed down her choices to the top three (so far!).

#1- This is my sister's favorite so far. She liked the way she felt in it. She had tried on a few others before this one and once she put it on it was like she just lit up from inside. She wanted to wear it home immediately. You can't really see the detail, but it's a light ivory with a champagne sash and champagne-ish bead work. Another plus is that it has a corset back, so there is some room for weight loss without having to get more last minute alterations. Really pretty.

#2- My sister has this one ranked as her second choice, but it's my personal favorite on her. I think that the strapless look really flatters her the halters just accentuate her already MASSIVE bosom. Again, you can't really see the detail from the picture, but the beading on this bodice is a little darker on the champagne color scale. She was adamant that she hated anything with gathering on the skirt, but once she tried it on she liked it. I'm still secretly pulling for this one!

#3- This was the all around crowd favorite I think. We knew it was gorgeous the moment we saw it and it was even more gorgeous on. Unfortunately, it's a wee bit out of the price range she is looking for. Sadly, this little beauty may be ruled out unless we can find a "previously owned" option or Daddy decides to dig really deep for his first born. Absolutely stunning.

We also decided on the color scheme for the wedding party today. I've been given free reign to choose any style I wish as long as I can get it the color latte. My nieces already picked out their styles today and they were really excited that they didn't have to pick the same thing. They are so different in every way, so it only makes sense that they wouldn't like the same dress. They are going to look so cute in their little junior bridesmaid dresses! I want something really simple for myself and I think I have narrowed it down to the choices below, in order of favorite from left to right. The only thing that I don't love about the third is that I'd want to have it altered to tea-length and I start to get worried when too much altering is required because you never know exactly how well it will turn out. Then again, I may have to have the length altered no matter which I choose because we may be adding black peek-a-boo skirts under them. I'm going to mull them over a while then go try the styles on right before it's time to order.

Always a Bridesmaid

2009-01-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

My sister got engaged over the holidays! I'm really happy for her. Her fiance is truly a great guy and they are perfect for each other. I'm also excited for her because this will be her first real wedding. She's divorced with two daughters, but she secretly "eloped" to the courthouse the first go 'round. This is her first time planning an actual wedding, and shopping for dresses, and picking out churches, etc. It's really cute to watch my big sister be so excited about something like this and ask me for my advice since I've been in so many dang weddings! So now I have something new to waste my time on at work when I'm bored or on strike from productivity. Here and there throughout the day I've been googling the church, looking at flower options, and emailing my sister back and forth. Needless to say, I have not gotten much accomplished work-wise. And most importantly, I'm her maid of honor and the only person standing on her side over the age of 11, so I've been looking for a dress for myself. Hopefully, this will be the last bridesmaid dress I purchase!

Mr. Sandman, can we work on this schedule?

2009-01-13T19:00:00.000-08:00

As I've already said, I don't do resolutions. However, one of my loose goals completely unrelated to the changing of the calendar year is to go to bed earlier. I've always been a night person, even back in waaaaaay back in elementary school. I get a second wind about 10 pm and get the urge to make use of it, whether that be de-furring the dog, cleaning the base boards, googling the lives of unknown mobsters from the 40's - who knows what else! It's never really been a problem before, just a part of who I am. Until now.

I'm at the point in my life where all of those "you just wait..." warnings from my parents and elders are starting to make sense to me. Age and my slack ass health! are catching up with me and I can no longer stay up until 2:30 am and still function properly the next morning. I've been in denial for a while, but the time has come to look my disease in the face. My name is B and I'm an aging night owl. [[[Hiii Beee!!]]]

The plan was to be in bed at least by 11 each night, starting Monday. Well, apparently my plan has sort of back-fired. Since I got it into my head that I am going to be sleepy enough to get to bed at a decent hour, I've been falling asleep BEFORE 9pm! Last night I was lounging on the couch watching a little TV. The next thing I know it's after 11pm, the news is on, I've completely missed the entire night basically. I got up to get ready for bed and turn out the lights and such and went back to sleep shortly after. I woke up feeling fabulous and rested, but it didn't last. You know how there is the fine line between not quite enough sleep and too much sleep? Well I crossed it. I realized this around noon today when I ended up needing a power nap on my desk during my lunch break. No joke. The same thing has happened again tonight. I am only awake long enough to blog about my problem and take my dog out before going back to sleep... which will pretty much mean that I went to bed at 7:30 tonight. I've gone from one extreme to another! And this extreme doesn't even leave my base boards clean and I'm still sleepy the next day.

Are you kidding me? What have I done?

The Laminated List

2009-01-10T23:32:00.001-08:00

Remember on Friends when they made their list of celebrities with whom they could have sex with without consequences, regardless of whether or not they were in a relationship? Then Ross decided to laminate his and the "laminated list" was born. Well I'm going to share my laminated list. Except, I'm not so much like Ross in wanting to keep it permanent forever. I like to consider it more of a "periodically updated list"; however, many of them have resided on the list for quite some time now so it doesn't change much.

#1) Vin Diesel - I love everything about him. He could just speak to me with that uniquely sexy voice and it would send shivers up my spine. I love his sensitive bad boy image. He gets two pictures, because... DAMN! He makes me melt!
Sexiest Character: Shane Wolfe in The Pacifer

#2) Jeffrey Dean Morgan - He has a more mature, rugged look that is dead sexy. I'd steal a heart for him too!
Sexiest Character: Denny Duquette on Grey’s Anatomy

#3) Vince Vaughn - Yeah, some may say that he has taken the retro-sexual look a little too far, but he can pull it off! He has a receding hair line, the bags under his eyes are big enough to stow-away illegal immigrants, and he has hair in places that most men try to deny... and he's still ridiculously handsome. Most people would say that his peak was as Trent in the iconic Swingers, but he was too skinny then in my opinion. I think he has really grown into himself nicely.
Sexiest Character: Jeremy in Wedding Crashers

#4) Dean Cain - I know I might get some some "wtf?" comments about this one, but I have always had a thing for him. I admit that he lost some of his appeal after he portrayed Scott Peterson and when he started doing cheesy D-list hosting gigs and such, but he's still hot! I think he was my first celebrity crush that started to mold my idea of "my type".
Sexiest Character: Nick a smokin' hot fireman in I Do (But I Don't)

#5) Josh Hartnett - He's my baby face crush. He's older than me, but I would feel like I was robbing the cradle. I think it's because he looks so much like my long-term crush from elementary school. I think he's also so secure on the list because he reminds me a of a young Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy Lee Jones is still sexy to me at 60-something. I think Josh will have that effect even when he is much older too. Yum.
Sexiest Character: Danny in Pearl Harbor

#6) Mario Lopez - I know he rocked out the jerry-curl mullet and tapered jeans as A.C. Slater, but he's come a long way! I think it's obvious by all of my choices so far that I have a thing for dark haired hotties, and come on... those dimples alone would earn him a spot!
Sexiest Character: Ya know, he doesn't have so many great characters to choose from. I just see him on a lot of hosting gigs or guest appearances. However, he was rockin' it out with that smile as David Martin in Holiday in Handcuffs this Christmas season.

#7) David Pollack- Ok, so he's not exactly a celebrity, but he was a professional athlete with the Bengals (although briefly). Since his injury, he has now moved to radio commentary. Either way, he's famous enough in my book to go on my damn list and that's all there is to it! He's my favorite bulldawg ever. I loved the seasons when he was there because he made the games even more exciting to watch in his tight little breeches!
Sexiest Character: UGA #47!!!

#8) Luke Wilson - I'm not really sure what it is about him, but he always comes to mind when I think of hot celebrities I'd like to make out with. He just kind of has that classic all-American thing going and his laid back personality is really attractive. This is one is hard to explain, I just know he's on the list for whatever mysterious reason.
Sexiest Character: Dorian Montier in Home Fries or Ben Stone in The Family Stone

(Two Way Tie)

#9) Ryan Reynolds OR Dane Cook - These two fellas are sharing the #9 spot. This means that they are pretty much interchangeable and I would use the spot for whichever opportunity came along first. The other would then be crossed off and non-eligible even if future opportunities arose. These guys are probably the most surprising on my list because they aren't really my type physically not that I would kick either one of them out of bed! They both just make me laugh so hard! A funny guy will get me every time, hands down.
Sexiest Characters: Ryan as Will Hayes in Definitely, Maybe (the single dad thing...awww!)
Dane as himself on any of his comedy specials!

#10) Elvis Presley - Because a girl can dream! And in a uniform.... mmmm.

Sexiest Character: Toby in Follow That Dream

Relapse

2009-01-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

I thought I could block it all out and be fine forever, as if it never happened. Tonight, it looks like I can no longer cheat the inevitable. I've had my first major heartbreak relapse of the new year. I had done sooooo well for 3 weeks and now all of a sudden it's like the damn cracked under pressure. This week was kind of like 'the perfect storm' regarding him. Many different things came together all at once and just created this monstrous black cloud above me. I've been working on putting away all things that had to do with us and packing all that stuff up was rough. I posted some of this things, and some things of mine from him, on ebay to sell rather than trash. I've been asked out a lot this week, which should be a welcome change, but instead it had just made me start thinking and evaluating where I am in the "healing" process and how I feel about dating new people. He should be coming home from deployment soon, possibly this week. I've been thinking about that non-step, even though I have tried to stop myself. And tonight, as I sit in class bored to tears, I decided it was time to go through all the texts from him that were still in my phone and delete. I thought it was a good thing, I thought it would help to cleanse and purge. I. Was. Wrong. Reading those texts brought emotions rushing to the surface that I thought were long since ruined by his alter-ego. So tonight, that 'perfect storm' came crashing onto my shore. And let me tell ya, it was of Katrina proportions! Why is it so easy to remember the good and so easy to forget the bad? I know he's dead to me, but it looks like his ghost is going to haunt me for a while to come.

2009 Bucket List

2009-01-06T17:51:00.000-08:00

So I don't do resolutions. I think they are a great idea in theory, but I never end up accomplishing them and that just makes me feel bad about myself. So screw that, I'm not setting myself up for feelings of failure at the end of the year. I'm doing a Bucket List instead. Its a list of things that I want to do before 2009 kicks the bucket. They aren't all necessarily new things I've never done, some are just things that I want to be sure to do again sometime this year. I tried one for last year, but I wasn't committed to it and I only ended up getting one or two things done because I waited around until I had a serious significant other to do them with... how stupid of me!. Those remaining items have rolled over to this year along with lots of new ones! A lot of them have been influenced by recent events in my life and focus on making me feel more independent outside of a relationship Think "Girl Power" or "I'm single and awesome" or "I want a good man, but I damn sure don't NEED one!" This year... I'm committed! Thanks Survivorman, you sorry Son of a Bitch, for giving me the push I needed for this. I promise to rock out my Bucket List with vigor and enthusiasm and, in the process, make my 30th year the most amazing, exciting, kick ass year yet. I'm already making great progress and I'll write about some things as I complete them. So without further adieu, here it is:

* Visit a museum (probably The High)
* Ride a mechanical bull
* Visit a state I’ve never been to
* Fly in a plane (preferably first class!)
* Go to a major league baseball game
* Visit the Georgia Aquarium
* Kiss in the rain (it's on a lot of myspace surveys, so I feel like I must be missing out)
* Watch the sunrise while sitting on the beach
* Learn a foreign language
* Go camping
* Finish at least 3 projects that I’ve put on hold (slacker)
* Learn to belly dance
* Play a round of golf
* Take a picture worth framing (and actually frame it and display it in my home!)
* Learn to roller skate
* Swing off the rope at the pond
* Go to the planetarium
* Go to a rodeo (maybe find a cowboy!)
* Learn how to do a cartwheel
* Go to Agatha’s Mystery Theatre
* Ride Passenger Train
* Get a Passport
* Skydive
* Go to the movies alone
* Go out to eat alone ( I hear it's liberating)
* Get something waxed other than my face
* Take a picture with 3 “Welcome To …” State signs
* Try sushi that I’ve never had before
* Run another 5K (and majorly improve my time)
* Snow Ski
* Go to a concert
* Go to a play
* Go drink at a bar alone
* Visit at least 3 churches
* White Water Rafting
* Take an overnight tourist trip completely alone
* Go 3 months without ice cream of any kind
* Go a month without eating meat
* Go 3 months without any chocolate
* Be able to do 50 push ups (not the girly kind!)
* Buy hats and frilly dresses and accessories and wear them just because
* Volunteer
* Donate to Locks of Love

Teaser

2008-12-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

I went to a psychic this weekend. Yep, sure did! I'll be writing about that later today or tomorrow. If you want to know my fate, check back. =)

Done and Buried

2008-12-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

I will now admit that yesterday was a very rough day for me. I'm proud of myself for holding it together all day though. I have never felt more hurt, angry, used, foolish, disappointed, or utterly violated as I have felt since yesterday. After work I went to out to dinner with a friend and her fiance and indulged in a few much needed adult beverages ( I rarely drink, especially not during the week!). After dinner, I headed home to call my mama and tell her what had happened with Survivorman. Mamas are always the best consolers, ya know? I let myself cry to her for about 30 minutes and vent about my feelings on all of it. Then I pulled it back together and haven't looked back. As of today, he is dead to me. I've never really understood while people used that term before, but now it makes complete sense. That's the only thing that fits. He is literally dead to me. I may as well have read his name on the casualties list. Sound harsh? Absolutely, and it's exactly how I feel. Now all the energy that I had used praying for his safety and happiness will be redirected to praying that karma kicks his ass real soon. And that's that. Done and buried.

Bye Bye Love

2008-12-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was feeling all sad for Survivorman celebrating his birthday on deployment. Today, I'm not sure if I would even be so kind as to spit on him if he was on fire. I won't go into detail because some things are just too personal. The gist of it is that he sent me an email that said some very shocking things, things that I would have never expected to come from him, things that further indicate that I have no idea who he really is. I am certain now that he has two very distinct, VERY different personalities and that he completely pulled the wool over my eyes. I was a complete fool and not only fell for it, but ate it up like it was nectar from the Gods! I guess I can only thankful that I'm seeing this now instead of later. I can't even imagine how much worse this would feel if we had already gone ahead with the plan of me relocating closer to his base. So anyway, it's done, over with, finito. No more Survivorman. If there is any compassion in life, this whole chapter will be quickly and completely lost from my memory as if it never even happened.

Happy Birthday Survivorman

2008-12-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

He's 30 today. It makes me sad that he is celebrating such a milestone birthday so far from home, friends, and family. I tried to make it a little more special for him by sending him a "birthday in a box" with candles, blow out favors, a birthday "lei", a recordable card with me singing happy birthday to him, and some other things. I also sent some home made carrot cake cupcakes (his favorite). I just wanted him to have something like home on his special day and be able to make a birthday wish on his own birthday [cup]cake. I didn't tell anyone that I did that, until now of course, because I'm sure that everyone would think I was crazy, or stupid, or a glutton for punishment, or whatever. I don't care though. I did something special for someone that is special for me and I think that makes me kind, compassionate, and above the tit-for-tat bullshit.
I just hope he got it. They cut off their mail shortly before they are coming home and we are at the point now where he could be home in two weeks (best case scenario, but not likely). I'm not sure how I feel about that. I will be so glad for him to be home so I can stop worrying about his safety every waking moment, but I also dread the nervously sick feeling that I know I'm going to be getting soon, as I wait to see what happens once he's back. I'm pretty much prepared for and expecting the worst, but I've got to see it happen before I can contemplate my next step. Sigh...

So Happy Birthday Survivorman! Hurry home safely.

Peek-a-boo

2008-12-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

I learned a very valuable lesson Friday night. Let me tell you about it.

So Friday is casual day at work. That means that we can wear jeans. However, to me it generally means that I get to sleep in a few more minutes, throw on some jeans and whatever semi-casual shirt doesn't require ironing, let my hair air dry on the way to work while I put on minimal makeup with the help of my visor mirror. I'm not proud, but that's usually the way it goes.

Friday afternoon, my dad called to ask me to dinner since I hadn't seen them in a while because of school and my other personal drama that has kept me from feeling social. Of course, I took him up on the offer. Who passes up free dinner from daddy? I had to run a few errands right after work, but agreed to meet up with them shortly after at the restaurant. Ideally, I would have gone home and showered and gotten dressed all over again, but there just wasn't time. But it's just my daddy and my step-mom and they have seen me looking much worse, so I just swing by home to grab a layering jacket and run a brush through my hair. I enjoy a few drinks and a tasty dinner with the parents and head on home. A nice, uneventful affair.

Then comes Saturday. I get an IM on facebook from College Crush. "I saw you at (restaurant) last night." WHAT!?!?!?! Oh my God, what have I done? I thought that I had made it into the clear without running into anyone of importance, when the reality is that I have been secretly spied by hottie-too-hottie College Crush! As I , looking the hot mess that I did, was cramming forkfuls of salad into my mouth and gnawing on steak, he was two booths in front of me... seeing it all. Perfect. I may be creeping back in to the dating scene soon (reluctantly, but what can ya do?) and the #1 lusted after prospect has now seen me well below my best! What have we learned from this episode? ALWAYS look fabulous no matter where you are going or who you are planning to see, because even if you don't see anyone there is no telling who might be seeing you.

This and That

2008-11-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

There hasn't really been much going on lately. Nothing worth blogging about at least. But just to stay up to date, I'll give a run down of what's happened the past week or so.

~ I did drive over two hour to get those boots. I do love them. It was a fun trip. My mom and I took pictures at the Mall of Georgia like we were tourists or country-come-to-town. Note to self: gotta get out more! But it was a silly day and that's what made it fun.

~ I am having the hardest time ever with grad school. Not the work, but the scheduling. I am trying my hardest to finish up this coming summer, but they are not making it easy. None of the classes that I need are being offered on my campus this spring. That leaves me either taking scattered classes at 3 different schools in Georgia next semester OR begging my boss to let me use vacation time once a week so I can haul my ass up Atlanta where the classes are being offered. My hatred of I-285 is another story in itself. I have no idea what to do and it is causing me much stress.... and stress is something that I already have on overstock.

~ I'm trying not to blog about Survivorman, even though the whole point of getting back to blogging was to help me vent. Venting leads to receiving advice and opinions though. While I know that everything everyone tells me is meant to be helpful, it isn't always. A lot of times it's something that I don't want to hear and just makes me feel worse. It's just hard to hear some people's opinions when you know that they don't fully understand the complexity of the situation. But how can they when I can barely fathom it all myself and I'm eyeball deep in it? Either way, I think it's just best to keep my thoughts and feelings on that to myself as much as possible for now. I don't know how long I will be able to hold out on that though because the closer we get to the holidays, the worse it's getting.

~ On a more positive note, I've been asked out a few times the past couple of weeks. I'm not interested of course, but it's flattering and it has helped me realize that life will somehow go on eventually if I don't live happily ever after with him the way I expected. And a little ego boost may have been just what I needed to keep me from spiraling into a Charter Lake commercial.

~ And Operation G. I. Jane is going even better than expected. Eleven pounds down so far! Granted, at least half of that is surely water weight, but hey I'll take it!

The boots were made for walkin'

2008-11-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

I'm on a shoe-kick. I've never really been one of those shoe girls, you know the kind I mean, but something has just come over me lately. Now I've always loved shoes, don't get me wrong! But while I can appreciate the fashion contributions that shoes make, I'm one of those gasp! "comfort comes first" girls. I'm a flip-floper at heart. I will sport a flip-flop whenever there is even a hint of being able to get away with it, regardless of weather. Also I'm a tall girl, so most of the cute footwear I find has too much heel for me. I know that they say embrace your height, but I just don't need an additional 4 inches to stilt me up so I can tower over people any more than necessary. Throw in the fact that I was cursed with wide feet and my shoe rack is just doomed.

That being said, when I find a shoe that I love, I snatch it up. I made a trip to the next town over last night to look for a pair that I have been scouting out. I didn't find them, but I did come home with 2 other pair that I hadn't planned on. Tonight I will try yet another store to find the elusive taupe mary jane that I have in my sights.

But the biggest search by far will finally end tomorrow. I have been in the market for the perfect pair of black boots for YEARS now. I've caved and had a couple of pairs of "getting by" boots, but nothing that I have loved. Well, I found my perfect boot about a month ago. The perfect boot that just makes you feel warm and tingly when you try them on. Great, right? Well of course they didn't have my size. That's just the kind of luck that I have. However, I was assured on multiple occasions by various sales persons that the item was an automatic reorder and they would be getting more in. I have checked back twice a week since then on the days that they get their shipments. Have my boots come in yet? What do you think?! I have tried the store's website, the designer's website, and every overstock/discontinue website imaginable! I've even tried ebay. The boot does not exist online. Anywhere. And if the staff at said store refer me to the website again one more time, as if I'm an elderly woman who doesn't know about the "internets" and hasn't thought to check there already, I may take their headset and shove it up their ass. I'm just saying. Well after being patient and getting no results from it, I decided that I must take action. The perfect boot does not come along often. So tomorrow my mom and I are taking a road trip. I'm driving an hour and a half to a store in Atlanta to pick up my Kenneth Cole beauties. Is that sad? Is that crazy? The answer to both of those questions may be yes, but they way I figure it... it's keeping me busy for a Saturday that I would otherwise spend being sad and lonely and thinking about him AND I am going to have my boots to help me feel all fierce and fabulous when/if I see him again. In the words of Martha, "it's a good thing".

Fatty McButterpants

2008-11-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

So after a couple of weeks of not being able to eat anything or keep anything down without being sick gotta love the heartbreak diet! , I bounced back and have successfully eaten everything that comes within reach. You know what they say, eating my feelings, filling a void and what-not. Well the void is filled alright... and is now overflowing onto the rest of my body. It hit me like a brick wall when looking at pictures from the recent baby shower. What a difference a two or three weeks can make when you are just shoveling it in! I am too ashamed to even admit how many pounds I gained just last week alone. It's time to crawl out of my funk and get my fat ass motivated. And you can bet that is exactly what I am about to do.

Am I a little concerned about the holidays coming up? Sure, a little. We all know that holidays are full of gluttonous temptation. And I will certainly want to eat my feelings, covered in gravy of course, when I start thinking about the Christmas and birthday celebrations that Survivorman and I were planning to make up after he comes home and that fact that he is so far away during such a special time. But I will NOT be deterred! I am turning 30 in 2.5 months and I vow to be down 40 lbs by then. I am not even kidding. I have done it before, so I know it can be done. I know that running and an extremely no-fun diet is the only thing that makes the pounds fall off for me, so that's what it's going to be for the next 10 weeks. I have kind of been inspired by the Navy Seal Fitness Challenge that is coming to Atlanta (http://www.sealfitnesschallenge.com/). I'm not ready for it this year, but I have always wanted to do something like that so I'm going to use their standards as my fitness goal so I can be prepped for next year, hoo rah! This is going to require some weight training as well, so I'm excited to see how that goes. I plan to start on Saturday because it's the 15th and I just do better mentally when I start at a clear breaking point. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to rent G.I. Jane this weekend to get myself pumped. For some reason that movie (especially the scene where Demi is working out hard core by herself and she is all ripped and girl-power-awesome) always makes me feel like doing push-ups. Does anyone else get that?

I'll be updating on this over the next few months for sure!

You can say that again...

2008-11-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me a quote today because she thought of me when she read it. I laughed at first at how appropriate it was for me, then I read it over and over and ended up tearing up at my desk.

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

~ Paulo Coehlo

It couldn't be more fitting for my current situation. I think Paulo was reading my mind when he uttered those words. Don't you just love it when you find something that that rings so true to your real life? It makes you realize that you are not the first person to go through what you are going through, even though it may feel like it most of the time. There's a certain kind of comfort found in that.

Thanks L!

Happy Veteran's Day!

2008-11-11T17:14:00.000-08:00

I love Patriotic holidays. They are my favorite, always have been (July 4th is my all time fave). No family drama, no hectic schedules, no bankrupt piggy banks, none of the typical holiday stress. On patriotic holidays there is only pride, gratefulness, and remembrance. It just fills my heart and makes me proud to be an American as cliche as that may sound. So be sure to thank a veteran today.

I did... thank a veteran that is. I just couldn't keep myself from sending some thanks to Survivorman, my favorite serviceman. I did so against the advice of a couple of members of my "council", but at least my mom supported my decision. I know it completely breaks my rule of limited contact right now, but it just felt like the right thing to do. Regardless of what's going on between us regarding our relationship, he is still the most important man in my life and he is a career serviceman who holds immense pride in his job. It just didn't feel right now to acknowledge that and give him some thanks. I understand why I was given the advice that I was given and will get more of I'm sure, and I see the other side of it. Really, I DO! But I've never been very good at "the game" and I prefer to just do and say what feels right at the time and not acknowledging his service to our country on Veteran's day... well that's just not me. So I did what I did, but I'm proud of myself for making sure that it was clear that my thanks today was a completely separate issue from the conversations regarding "us" or lack thereof.

So anyway, Happy Veteran's Day! I love this famous picture from VJ Day. It just embodies all the warm fuzzy patriotic feelings that I have on holidays like this.

Fighting the urge

2008-11-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

Today is a rough day for some reason. I'm overly emotional for a multitude of reasons and that is just leading to stupidity and weakness. I want to email Survivorman so bad! It's taking everything I have to keep myself from actually doing it. I haven't heard from him since last Wednesday when he completely pissed off. Then things were happening this weekend that made me wish I could just call him as if he were back home. I just want to talk to him and hear his voice more than anything in the world. BUT. I can not allow myself to cave just yet. I need to give it some time for him to realize just how much space he has and how it feels. Easier said than done though. God give me strength... that's all I can say.

Oh baby!

2008-11-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

I'm still pissed. It has now died down to just a slow simmer though. I've been too busy today to even think about it for longer than five minutes really. My cousin's baby shower is tomorrow and I've been running around like a wild woman for the past 24 hours trying to get everything done. I'm not complaining... busy is good. Plus it has been lots of fun to plan and has done a good job of putting me in a happy place you can't help but go to a happy place when purchasing infant sunglasses and bunny slippers!. Who can be sad when you are looking at baby stuff!? Well, I admit that I have had momentary lapses into melancholy when certain things have reminded me of the family talk that Survivorman and I had on multiple occasions, but they have been short lived. I'm really excited about this baby! My and cousin and I have always been very very close, so this little princess that's on her way kind of feels like a pseudo-niece. And the closer it gets to her arrival, the more exciting it gets. I think she somehow knows that she is doing her cousin B a solid by scheduling her arrival at the same time that Survivorman is set to return home. Because of that, I will have happy things to look forward to the whole time that I am waiting/dreading/anticipating his homecoming. I can just think about her sweet little baby feet and how precious she is going to feel when I get to hold her and... BAM!, instant puppies and rainbows. Only two more months until our family tree grows a little bit more. I can't wait to meet her and steal baby kisses!

F*ck you and the white horse you rode in on....

2008-11-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

That's my mindset today. I know myself well enough to know that it won't last long at least I'm honest, but I'm enjoying it while it's here. Survivorman pissed me off so bad yesterday that the longer it fermented, the more angry I got. Can you even imagine being so mad at someone that you can feel steam coming from your ears but still breaking down into tears while praying for his safety at the end of the day? Nothing makes sense anymore. Up is down and right is left. I found myself in an online group last night seeking advice on how to deal with the Jekyll and Hyde effect that some servicemen succumb to Loser much?...yeah I know. It actually did help to talk to some servicemen in the 40's and 50's who admitted to that behavior themselves in their younger years. It also helped cheer my up to go shopping. I've become a reluctant fan of retail therapy in the past month. It's bad news for my bank account, but it just does the trick sometimes. You can't feel crappy when you're feeling cute surrounded by new things that don't remind you of him in the dressing room, ya know. It's the retail version of the warm fuzzies.

So here I sit... with a chip on my shoulder and f*ck you in my pocket. And you can bet that I'm going to ride this out as long as I can stretch it because this anger damn sure feels better than the alternative.

God Give Me Strength

2008-11-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

God, give me the strength to bite my tongue and silently support this man while he is away at war, even though all I want to do right now is smack him in the face and rip his testicles out through his throat. Amen.

Survivorman has made the past week exceptionally rough for me. I've gotten to the point where I dread to see his name pop up on an email because I know that it will just stir the emotional pot. Just since last Thursday, there have been lows, there have been highs, and there have been lows again. Today is a low. Today is lower than low. I'm sad and upset, but I've gotten used to that. What makes today different is that I'm pissed. I mean really pissed, completely livid. Today's "conversation" with him has made me second guess everything. It's like I don't even know him. I feel like I've never even met this person that is talking to me. It breaks my heart and it drives me f'ing batty at the same time. How can you hate someone and love someone so much at the same time? How do those two things co-exist so closely? I feel like I'm dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There is home time Survivorman and deployment time Survivorman and the two are night and day. I showed the most anger I ever have with him today and even it was mild. It consisted of a "don't you dare" warning. Pretty tame...pretty lame. As mad as I am at him today, I still can't yell or say anything hateful. All that I can think of is what if something happened to him tonight and the last thing I wrote to him was something mean and I never get the chance to take it back or make it better. It would kill me. So I'm asking God for strength... and guidance... because Lord knows I need it.

It's the little things

2008-10-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

I need to move to Pluto, move into a plastic bubble, be put into an induced coma, something, anything. I can't go five minutes without seeing or hearing something that reminds me of Survivorman. I know that everyone goes through something similar after break-ups, but this is like nothing I've ever experienced. It's just unfathomable the number of things that are tainted and painful now because I associate them with him. Don't believe me? Here are some things from just the past week:

- camouflage
- Elvis
- Florida
- Chevy pick up trucks
- Aqua di Gio
- Dolce & Gabbana
- ice
- my own dog
- flowers and ferns
- my treadmill
- chicken pot pie
- ski ball
- the war
- ESPN
- chocolate chip cookies
- Army Wives (one of my favorite shows)
- my hair comb
- the TV remote
- chicken wings
- wine
- littering
- the magnets on my fridge
- Pearl Jam
- strawberries
- Stone Mountain
- Carraba's
- The Stack
- American flags
- Snoopy
- trash bags
- Orbit gum
- my lip balm
- my cell phone
- half of my wardrobe
- the shower head
- Barnes & Noble
- Best Buy
- the light bulbs in my bathroom
- my smoke detector
- Northface merchandise
- magazines
- Coke zero
- the back road to my mom's house
- Savannah
- my shampoo and conditioner
- the spare key on my counter
- I could go on and on.....

Will it ever stop or am I really going to have to put myself in isolation?

2008-10-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

Halloween is supposed to be all about fun and I just can't get on board. I've heard that if you force yourself to smile then your body releases endorphins or something and it helps to actually cheer you up, but it's not working. All I can think about is how blissfully ignorant I was when this month started. I have a Halloween party to go to tonight and I had to throw a costume together last night because the costume that I pre-ordered was sort of a tribute to Survivorman. It's a sexy-ish female version of his specific military branch's uniform. I was thinking of going ahead with it anyway until I got another email from him yesterday (more on that later.... it's another story in itself). Now, I just don't think I could manage to wear it without crying throughout the entire party. My dog is going too, it's a pet friendly party, and he's still going to wear the costume that I got him. His costume is actually what inspired me to order something to match. We were both going to dress up like Survivorman and send him pictures so he would know that he was missed for the holiday. It's too late to get him anything else at this point, so he's going as planned. Plus, he's just too cute in the costume to not put it on him. Yes, I dress my dog up for Halloween - deal with it. I'll probably tear up when I put it on him because it will just remind me of my plans, but I'll manage. That makes me think of that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, make plans." So true. I'm debating sending a picture of my dog to Survivorman anyway. They kind of became best buds and I think he might like to laugh at him in his get-up. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. Hmm.

Juicy

2008-10-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a little sluggish lately. Could it be a result of the bad breakup diet when you lose weight drastically at first because you can't eat and your crying so hard that it makes you vomit all the time, then you bounce back and drown your sorrows in fast food and vending machine love? Perhaps. Either way, I just haven't been feeling good. My hippy co-worker suggested a 3 day juice cleanse. I've never successfully completed a juice cleanse before, so I was a little apprehensive. But it's all natural, organic, probiotic fruit and vegetable juices and it's supposed to make you feel refreshed and rejuvenated as it cleanses your digestive system and boosts your immune system. What the heck, I'll give it a shot. If I'm miserable from gnawing hunger at least I won't be thinking about the other stuff for a while, right? Sounds like a plan to me.

I'm closing in on the end of day 2 and I gotta say... I don't hate it. I haven't felt weak, hungry, grumpy, or light headed. I'm actually feeling pretty darn good! Tomorrow will be the real test, but I figure if I've made it more than half way already I can go the distance. If I'm still feeling good by Friday morning, I may do another round of juicing in a week or so. I'm going to a junk food infested Halloween party Friday though. I wonder if all of my good work will be null and void after I consume a buch of preservatives and refined sugar. Eh, who cares. I'm feeling good now and that's all that matters.

The Cookies and The Council

2008-10-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Survivorman emailed me yesterday for the first time in two weeks. He was thanking me for the kick ass care package that I sent him. Somehow I managed to send homemade chocolate chip cookies that didn't melt or crumble on their trip to the middle east and he said they were a big hit with his buddies. I knew they would be. Part of me had been visualizing him opening up his care package in front of his friends and all of them asking him who was the wonderful girl who could mix homemade goodies, sports equipment, toys for the kid at heart, porn for the man at heart, and sentimental gushy stuff all in one box... thereby triggering him to think, "she is the most wonderful girl I've ever known, what the hell am I thinking?"

Yeah, so I guess that didn't exactly happen like I had envisioned. He mentioned the cookies and he mentioned the porn. Did he mention anything that I mentioned in my letter? No. Did he mention how he felt about the journal that I had started for him and written in for the first two weeks until he dropped the bomb? No. Did he mention the pictures I sent? No. It was the worst email I have ever gotten, even worse than the email in which he slammed the breaks on our relationship while going 90 mph. It was like he was writing to a stranger. The message could have honestly been penned to a random supportive citizen that sent a generic care package to the troops. I can't even begin to describe the pain I felt knowing that someone who means the world to me could so quickly change his tone. It's like he's trying to forget that I ever even existed as a person of importance to him. Needless to say, yesterday was a rough day.

After consulting with my Venting Council (aka two girl friends, two guy friends, and my mom), I still did not have any clear advice. The men of the council only offered several profanities toward him, told me I deserved better, and that I should tell him never to contact me again. I question their opinions though because they could just be acting protective of a good friend or they could be waiting to ask me out themselves I'm not being conceited here, they've just both tried to win me over in the past.The women of the council still think there is something up with him that may have to do with his excessive emotional baggage (in the words of Dirty Red... more baggage than a 747 - if you don't know who Dirty Red is just continue). They think that there is something else going on that he just can't or hasn't explained to me. They still think that I need to just be patient and supportive and wait it out until he is home again. A huge part of me thinks that too. I really don't have any other choice. It's not as if I can move on and just forget about him anyway, especially while he is still deployed. It sucks for me, but it's the burden I must bear if I want to make it easiest for him right now. Maybe I'm just setting myself up for more hurt later, maybe. But as long as I think that there may be something else causing this I don't see how I could live with myself if I didn't stick around for him a little longer. So now I'm just going to put away all of these feelings in a safe little drawer for the time being and get through the next 3 months as best I can. There is no telling what I might ramble on about to keep my mind off of things as I'm isolated in Limbo.

True Lovin' in Limbo (population: me)

2008-10-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

I've had some life-changing experiences during my absence. This summer was the happiest summer of my life. I met someone... not just someone, but THE someone. The someone that makes you forget all about every other person that came before them, as if you were just waiting alone all this time for him to come along. We'll call him "Survivorman". It was the most unbelievable whirlwind romance ever. We went from zero to super serious in about 2.2 seconds. He's the most wonderful person I've ever met. He's smart, strong, funny, sensitive, adorably handsome, as tall as they come, outgoing and shy at the same time, as big of a neat freak as me, has a green thumb, knows the importance of giving flowers, and loves my dog as much as I do. I love absolutely everything about him. I swear it's like we were custom made just for each other. It's the most serious relationship I've ever had. We've talked in depth about marriage, children, how we would raise our children, our preferences in home styles, the idea of relocation, the challenges of a military marriage, what it would be like for me as a military wife, every fear, every doubt, every belief... you name it, we've discussed it. I've never moved so fast with anyone (FYI, I'm a very guarded person!), but nothing I've ever done has ever felt so right. You know how the people who are living happily-ever-after always say that when you meet "the one" you'll just know. Well I just knew. I KNEW! If I've ever known anything, I KNEW that he was the one. No questions asked. I, Princess Prudence-and-responsibility, would not have thought twice before running off to the courthouse to marry him before he left... without telling my family first, without the white dress and the pretty bouquet...I was ready for anything as long as it was with him.

Then he deployed.

And two weeks later he ripped my world out from underneath me. Something happened. The worst part is that I don't know exactly what happened and I have no clue now where we are or what we are doing. It's the most complicated situation I've ever dealt with. There are so many things that he is dealing with right now (aka A LOT of baggage) that I can't even begin to understand... on top of being on his second deployment this year alone. I love him too much to be angry, but I am having just about every other emotion in the book. I'm hurt, confused, shocked, clueless, sad for him, sad for us, hopeful, hopeless, insecure, optimistic, compassionate, jaded, determined and worried about his safety to boot! Can you even imagine what it is like to have all of those things going on inside your head all at the same time? I'm teetering on the edge to say the least. I don't think I'll really know what's going to happen until he comes home in 2-3 months and we can see each other face to face and talk. Until then, I want to give him space, but I can't give up on him either. I'm in limbo. Limbo is like purgatory. Limbo is like a band aid that you can't leave alone, but you can't rip it off quickly either... it's a slow, persistent, endless sting tugging at your skin and ripping at the tiniest hairs. Limbo sucks.

So that's why I'm back. Spilling my ugly guts to faceless internet people, because they are cheaper than a real therapist. I'm just trying to get by one day at a time without completely losing it and if venting on this pointless blog helps to keep me from falling apart, then so be it. Just don't judge. I have too many things going on in my head already to worry about pride or embarrassment, so it is what it is.

Bumps in the Road

2008-10-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, my blog.... hello old friend. It's been awhile.

I originally entered the blog sphere because writing is so therapeutic for me, but apparently I don't feel the need for the therapy when I'm blissfully happy and everything is sunny side up. That would explain my long absence. It's great when everything seems perfect and you feel like you're just coasting through life with the windows down and your favorite song on the radio. It's so great that you don't want to pull over to write about the ride, you just want to keep riding as long as you can. Besides, who wants to read about that when there is no drama, no intrigue, no confusion, nothing so sucky that it makes you feel better about your own trip?

Well, I've hit a road block, ran out of gas, encountered a slow construction zone, have a flat, the engine's making a funny noise. Whatever you want to call it, drama, intrigue, confusion, and good old fashion suckiness abound! That being said, The Dandelion Chronicles may see some activity in the very near future. It looks like I may be returning to rant, rave, pout, fester and just vent in general. I think it's time to put blog therapy to the test!

Yielding... Again

2008-05-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm now in the market for a strong man to assist me in removing a public traffic sign. It happened again. I had to yield to Scuba Steve this morning. To make it worse, traffic was too congested to go around him on the interstate or to fall back and create some distance... so I had to ride directly behind him for the majority of the commute to work. At least I was a little more pulled together this time. My hair was dry and fixed and the only makeup I was still lacking was mascara, which I was in the process of applying (thank God for something to occupy my eyes so I didn't have to stare into his rear view mirror the whole time). Why am I running into him so often on the road now!? Part of me is glad for the run in because at least it lets me know that he is ok and still in town, but it couldn't be a worse time for me to have to see him (for many many reason that I won't go into here). I had myself faked out for a long time that I was all healed up from the extensive damage that he left behind (and I am a little), but I don't think that I'm ever going to be completely "ok" with him. Sometimes I think that moving out of this town would eliminate the stomach-dropping moments when our paths cross, but I have a feeling that no matter where I go fate would find a way to rub salt in the wound. For now, I think the most simple plan of action is to remove that damn Yield sign!

Random Act of Kindness

2008-04-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

I left the office for lunch earlier in quite a grumpy mood due to a ridiculous conversation with my supervisor (just another episode that illustrates how much I hate this place). Well I head out to run a few errands and on my way back I swing into a fast food joint to grad some grub to bring back to my desk. Well I'm still kind of fuming over the work drama and I was getting irritated with the slow service in front of me, as the cashier at the "pay here" window seemed to be taking a break to chit-chat with the customer in front of me. I'm sure I was wearing a brow-furrowing scowl... when the most unexpected thing happened. I pull up to the window to pay and the cashier girl leans out, hands me a receipt, and tells me that I don't have to pay for my meal. The look of confusion on my face was probably priceless. Crazy off-the-wall ideas were rolling around in my head in that instant as possible explanations as to why she didn't want my money. Then she looks at the "pick up" window ahead of me and breaks into a huge grin (with her two brown teeth shining, bless her heart) as she tells me that the gentleman in the car in front of me has bought my lunch! She goes on to explain that he said he was a deputy sheriff from a neighboring county and he believes that if you do good things, good things will come your way. So he wanted to buy my lunch as a random act of kindness and ask me to pass the goodwill along to someone else. How touching is that!? It was like my own little "pay it forward" experience from a complete stranger. It completely changed my outlook for the day and now I'm in such a calm mood. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy, like a hug from the inside! I can't stop thinking about what I can do for someone now to pass it along and make their day just like that gentleman did for me. Maybe if enough of us start doing that, it will catch on.

Yielding to my past

2008-04-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

Damn traffic laws. Scuba Steve and I have lived within a quarter of a mile from each other for atleast the past three years. Currently, he lives in the very next apartment complex down the road. Yet in all that time, I can probably count on one hand the number of times that we have encountered each other while driving in our area (even when we were still together). It has been so long since I've seen him that I wasn't even sure if he drives the same car or even if he is still living in the same apartment. Well, he does and he is. As I was hurringly trying to turn onto the interstate on-ramp, I found myself having to yield to a vehicle turning onto the on-ramp from the opposite direction (and having the right of way). As I squint isn't that always a great look for everyone I notice that the vehicle I am yielding too looks oddly familliar. And as the sun stops blinding me from the reflection off the windshield, I can clearly see that it is Scuba Steve looking back at me as he pulls right past. What does the world have against me? Of all mornings to have that encounter! I was running super late this morning so I my hair was still half wet, I had on no makeup, was chewing on my breakfast bar, and my face probably looked like I just woke up yeah, I'm that girl that finishes getting ready while driving in to work. Not to mention that I just have not been looking my best lately (see the aforementioned "funk"). I had to follow him on the interstate all the way downtown, but I was sure to slow my roll a bit so as to keep a safe distance behind him so he couldn't get a better look at the mess in the driver's seat of my car. I know that ultimately it shouldn't matter how I look when he sees me because we are not getting back together and he should be just like any other stranger to me by now, but it's different. Every girl knows that you want to look awesome when you see your ex, better than you ever looked when he had you, ya know? And this morning I probably looked like a squinty faced trailer park chick... not the look I was going for for the ex viewing. Stupid yield sign. I think it may have been worth the traffic violation to have cut him off, sped ahead on my merry way, and avoided the situation all together. Lesson learned- wake up 45 minutes early each day and make sure I'm looking fabulous before walking out the door!

Do nice guys finish last?

2008-04-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last fall I started seeing a really nice guy. We went to college together, but we never even met back then. We were set up by a mutual friend: his fraternity brother and a guy who I briefly dated in college (a true nice guy himself). Therefore, I wasn't exactly shocked when I figured out that the man I was set up with was suffering from extreme "nice guy" syndrome. If you are not familiar with the ailment, consider yourself a lucky girl... it's not the dream that it may seem to be. Let me paint a picture for you.

Beaver Cleaver and I got to know each other by phone for several weeks before going out on our first date. Before we ever even went out, I had to actually tell him to "stop being a girl". Now I have told men that before, but I was either joking or picking on them. I've never had to seriously have the "stop being a girl" conversation until then. Now, in hindsight, I sympathize with some of my ex-boyfriends who had to deal with me when I was acting like that (now I know better and will be a better girlfriend for it!). Beaver Cleaver was perceptive to my request though and things started to look up. When we finally went out on our first date, things were looking good. I thought he was cute and we had a nice time and the conversation was easy. I just wasn't sure if there was a spark there. But I was honest about it with him and we decided to try a second date and see what happened. The date itself was lots of fun, but the vibe was weird. At some points it was extremely comfy like we had been dating for a long time, and at other points it felt like an awkward middle school dance. I kinda gave up on him after that.

Then I had some seriously bad dates with some seriously bad men. I started to wonder what was wrong with a man that seemed too nice? Nice is a good thing right? Better to go for a man that is too nice rather than a man that is too mean, don't ya think? Besides... I couldn't ever quite get Beaver Cleaver out of my head and he was still persistent with his interest in me. So we went for date 3, probably about six months after we started this whole thing. And it was goooood! It just seemed like whatever was missing finally clicked. He was even giving me the anxious/nervous butterflies! I didn't want it to end... but it did come to end when he had to start his drive home. And that's when it all headed back downhill. So after six months of getting to know each other and three official dates a girl expects the man to have made his first move. Not Beaver Cleaver. Still. No. Kiss. Are you f-ing kidding me? I set him up with opportunities all day long! On Friends, the girls are sleeping with guys by date three. On Sex & the City, the girls are dumping the fellas by date three. And I can't even get him to make a move to hold my hand. Gee Beav! It's a sad day in Singleville. To top it off, he waited for me to initiate the goodbye hug (props to him though because he's a really good hugger) and then he asked permission to call me. Now I'm all for chivalry and manners and yes, please-thank-you-ma'am southern boys, but come on! I brushed it off as a lost cause for a few weeks, but now I am beginning to question if maybe he is worth staying the course. I like him a lot, but his extreme nice guy behavior makes me feel like a hooker for wishing he wasn't quite such a slow mover. He's just soooo "good" that I'm beginning to wonder if he will ever want to be "bad" with me if we continued to date.

Do nice guys really finish last? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe it just appears that the do because the move at a snail's pace...

Morals, don't fail me now!

2008-04-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. I am having quite an internal struggle at the moment. A certain available gentleman from the past continues to tempt me into undeniably immoral behavior and tonight he strikes again. College Crush and I had a brief drunken make-out session in the middle of Capital Shitty years ago. Unfortunately, I was past the point of fun-drunk and well into amnesia-drunk so I don't actually remember enough details to fully enjoy it. He's soooo cute and so definitely out of my league that he makes me unbelievably nervous! The last time I saw him I was an idiot stumbling over my words all 5 of them that I was able to stammer out while looking at the ground instead of him! We've continued to flirt every now and then because he knows that I crush on him hard of course I know that nothing would ever come of it but the flirting has definitely increased in the past year since he now lives in the subdivision directly across the street (ya know, convenience and all). And since College Crush knows that I am experiencing quite a "drought" since Scuba Steve, I think he takes pleasure in making me squirm when he offers his services. And DAMN do I ever want to sample his services! But something inside me just won't let me do it and sometimes I wish that something would just shut the hell up! Not that I don't have my fair share of moral demerits from the past, but its one things to do something carefree when you are college and can blame it on youthful ignorance and quite something else when you are supposed to be a responsible adult who knows better. I mean, I KNOW it would be worth it, but I also know that I'm looking for more now than just temporary physical satisfaction but ohhhh how satisfying he would be. It is so bittersweet every time he makes his sexy little propositions. One one hand, it makes me grin from ear to ear like a giddy little school girl, but on the other hand it kills me to have to make the personal decision not to give in to that. I just pray that my morals continue to be strong enough to hold me back, but in the meantime I will just enjoy the swarm of butterflies I feel inside every time I hear from College Crush. (Swoon....)

A case of "the funk"

2008-04-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

It's obvious that I haven't written anything in a while. I've been in a bit of a funk and writing about it just hasn't been appealing. I think it all started with the message from Scuba Steve and then everything else just really started to cave in on top of it. Long story short... I'm now officially the last child-less woman out of all of my high school friends and it's making me question my life choices. I am completely burnt out with grad school and I'm beginning to question my decision to get an MBA rather than a masters in education. As a matter of fact I have begun to question grad school altogether because I feel as if I have no time for a real life off of campus! I thought by my age I would have some insight into men and what exactly I am looking for but it appears that I am more clueless than ever. And last but certainly not least, I work in the most miserable office ever where I feel trapped bc of the tuition benefit and the unhappiness that that place embeds in me is starting to roll over into every other aspect of my life (I should never have taken the new job, regardless of the promotion or salary increase). So for the past month all I have been able to do is question my decisions and dwell on all the things in my life right now that are NOT how I want them to be. It has left my head spinning to say the least. But I've made some decisions that are enabling me to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I feel like I'm going to be back to my old self soon. Thank you baby Jesus, thank you Oprah Winfrey. One of the recent decisions is that I'm officially job hunting, an undertaking that is slightly discouraging considering my geographical location, but I'm optimistic nonetheless! It's amazing the weight that has lifted off of my shoulders just by deciding to look for a new job. So now that I have a road map albeit still a little blurry to get my life back on the track that I want it to be on, I should be in a better mood for blogging. And hopefully I will soon have lots of new things to blog about as I put some of these changes into place. It all reminds me of one of my favorite sayings from childhood... there is nothing standing in my way except air and opportunity!

Should have known...

2008-03-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today would have marked three whole months since cutting off all communication with him. Is it crazy that I keep track of that? Well, I do. It may sound odd, but it helped me at first. I was very proud of myself when I would make it another week without yielding to the temptation to check in on him. Last week I realized that I was about to reach the three-month mark and it felt so good! If you’ve read my most recent post regarding him, then you know what I mean when I say that I think it was good for me not having any contact with him. Well, his birthday was this week. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. I knew it was coming and I actually had to seriously contemplate where or not I was going to acknowledge it. I had always made a huge deal about his birthday. Should I break the embargo for a special occasion? But then again, birthdays are only special occasions when they are for special people in your life, right? So, I think I made the right decision to just let it pass.

Well, I should have known... I guess he was expecting me to remember, because who do I hear from the very next day? Yep, that’s right. He broke the silence himself by sending me a message. How have you been?… how’s the dog?…I’m officially old now…where’d the time go?… ready for Easter?… blah…blah…blah. What was the point of that? Did he think that the only reason he hadn’t heard from me was because I had forgotten and that if he casually reminded me I would gush with “Happy Belated”s for him? Or maybe it was just a way of rubbing in that he was celebrating his special occasions with his new girlfriend now. If I had to guess I would say that he just did it in an effort to bring himself to the front of my mind again once he saw that I wasn’t thinking of him everyday anymore, not even on his birthday. That’s his MO. I know it well. Sadly, I have to admit that it worked a little bit. As evidenced by this blog, I’ve been thinking about him and that stupid message for three days now. He had to go and pull his “nice guy” routine. I hate him for that. It’s so much easier not to think about him when he is just blatantly being an ass. But I am proud to say as I take a moment to pat myself on the back that I did not reply to him. And the fact that I didn’t take that wide-open opportunity to talk to him makes me feel about as strong as a recovering crack head flushing his own stash. Yay me!

A Letter To My Younger Self

2008-03-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

If I could write a letter to the me that existed 10 years ago, it would go something like this:

Dear Me,

You just finished your first semester of college and you may think you have an idea of how the rest of your college experience will go, but you don't. It's good now, but it's going to get so much better!

Don't get too freaked out about your roommate next year, it's only temporary. You'll get that room change in a couple of weeks, just wait it out.

Pick a major and just stick with it! Choose something that sends you out of college with a set occupation, like nursing or education. You aren't going to go to law school like you think because you end up realizing that you would hate it, so don't waste your time on the pre-law stuff. You will regret the political science degree later. What the hell does anyone do with a political science degree?!

When you go out on the bad date with the Mazzy Star guy with the scar, DO NOT go to Mr. Blue Velvet's* apartment afterwards. It's a horrible idea. It will end VERY badly. Just go home. That's all I can say.

Don't go on the trip to Birmingham. Don't even waste the money on the football tickets because you won't end up at the game. What you least expect to happen, will happen on that trip. It will crush you, but you'll be ok soon. (You may want to get your car checked before you head up to JV's * house. It will save you some embarrassment later. On second thought, that ends up as a pretty funny story that you will remember forever. Don't get the car checked.)

When you are writing the letter to JV after the new girl moves in, don't include the witty little "add dick and stir" snippet that Binion came up with. It might make you feel better for a moment, but she will read it and it will cause problems for years to come. Y'all remain friends but because she hates you now, he will always have to sneak around to keep in touch. Just leave that comment out, trust me.

Don't move home that semester to commute. You will hate it and you'll miss out on a lot of fun. You can't be in the same house as your step-mother that long. Don't even try it. It will also cause big problems between you and St. Jude*. You end up moving back in the middle of the year anyway.

Speaking of St. Jude, don't invest so much time into him. He's a compulsive liar and he won't change for a long time. You can't fix him. He is never faithful to you, not even in the beginning. He knows what he is doing to you and he'll apologize for it years later, but that apology will not get you those years back. You'll have a fight when it snows. Let that fight be the end of it for good.

More about St. Jude... don't go all that way for a drive-by just to see if he's telling you the truth about being at his parents that night. On the way back there will be a deer in the road and you won't see it because of your tears. It results in a bad wreck and a mexican car. Just don't go. And no, he is not at his parent's house that night. Remember... compulsive liar!

And when St. Jude sleeps with your sorority sister, you'll be mad but don't let it affect you so much. Think of it as a blessing and thank her for taking him on as her own lost cause. P. S. You will eventually forgive both of them. Don't worry, they don't end up together either.

When your old crush from bible study asks you to lunch, politely decline. Don't see him at all, ever. This could result in some seriously bad karma for you. Stay away from him and don't be stupid!

Listen, 10 years from today you still will not have found the one. Don't invest so much of yourself into relationships that you know aren't exactly what you want. You still haven't found anything that even comes close to what you had with JV, and deep down you know that you are settling with St. Jude and the big one that comes after college. Just please don't waste so much time with people that give you less than you deserve.

After a few years at your post-college job, an opportunity for advancement comes up. It will be appealing, but don't take it. You will hate it. The increase in pay and the bigger title will not be worth it, because you will hate the office, hate the people, hate the entire environment. Stay where you are. You will miss it.

Start your MBA as soon as you can. Don't wait around wasting time! Just hurry up and get it over with.

Some friends that you thought would be friends for life... aren't. Some friends that you didn't expect to keep in touch with will end up being around for a long time to come.

Get more involved with things after college. Your friends will eventually move away and you'll be left alone, not knowing anyone in the area. It will make it very hard to meet new people when you don't have friends to go out with. Join a group or something! Don't rule out moving to Atlanta when you have single friends that move there. It might be fun.

Don't even think about finding a new home for the puppy when you and your boyfriend break up. That dog will help you make it through that rough point in your life and he'll end up being your best friend. He's your life saver. Keep him!

I could go on and on, but I won't. Just have as much fun as possible when you can and don't waste time on people that don't deserve it (most of everyone that you meet for the next 10 years won't deserve it). You can't get that time back and you will start to feel old before you know it. You'll do a lot of things right and you'll really screw up with other things, but in the end you'll turn out ok even if you don't take any of my advice. But take my advice anyway just in case it results in a happier ending!

Sincerely,

You

*Names have been changed.

I didn't want to see it, but I sure did need to

2008-03-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

It’s funny how sometimes what you least want to see is exactly what you need to see most. Scuba Steve posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend. My stomach turned upside down when I first saw it. I was right. They were in Collegetown for alumni weekend. I could tell because the backdrop was a very familiar blue-light wall of a local bar. So she’s cute. And thin. They kind of look like the number 10 standing beside each other. But the moral of the story is… I kept looking at him really closely in those pictures and I couldn’t remember why I was ever attracted to him. Granted, he’s cuter in person than in pictures and his personality (as fake as it may be) is really what makes him attractive, but still. I just stared at his face and my first thought wasn’t about how much I missed him (finally!). It felt good. I still shed a few tears and broke the no-crying streak that I was on, but I’m only human. The tears weren’t about him though, they were stirred up by the weird range of emotions that I felt at the moment. As much I dreaded seeing him with someone new, it is exactly what I needed to realize that I’m really over him. I have some scars from the break-up that are still a little tender, but I’m over him. I wouldn’t want him back even if the opportunity was lying right in front of me. And that is a good feeling!

Catching up

2008-02-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

I've been MIA for awhile. I thought I was on a roll there with my blogging for a minute, but then life happened and I got really busy and now I'm just lacking any blog inspiration. I have one or two things that I'd like to write about, but I'm a little nervous because I'm not sure if a certain person knows of this blog address or not. I guess that's the problem with a public blog, it can't be "public, with the exception of this little handful of people. " Oh well, I'll ponder that one for a bit and maybe I'll be back with a post about it soon.

Just to keep my public (which probably only consists of about 4 people so far!) up to speed with what's been going on with me the past two weeks, here's a little rundown.

* I hate my job, but I'm trying to stick it out a little longer. At least we are about to hit our busy season, so I will be too swamped to think about how much I loathe the place.
* I'm completely burnt out with grad school and I'm wondering if I should stay the course since I'm halfway there or change directions altogether. I have to get through mid-terms this week and then I will get back to deep thought on this issue.
* I'm feeling a little jealous of everyone that is going back to Collegetown for alumni weekend in a few days. I had been pumped up about it before the new year, but now I'd just rather pass on the front row seat to see Scuba Steve and his new girlfriend bumping and grinding on the dance floor or hanging out on the front porch of his frat house (where I would want to be to see MY friends!). No thanks. And to all of those people who would say get over it already and don't let him keep you from having a good time... bite me! But no worries people, I have big plans for Collegetown this summer. More details to follow.
* I am obsessed with my new ipod! I thought that getting a new ipod would encourage me to run more often, but I've found that it has only encouraged me to cozy up on the couch with my laptop and waste countless hours building up my library. I'm loving it though!
* I've had it up to here (imagine my hand raised far above my head while I stand on my tip-toes, stretching my fingers as high as possible until I get a pinky cramp) with dating. You'll hear more on this later, believe me... (once I'm sure that no involved parties will read this or hear about it.).
* I have baby fever. The faint echo of the clock tick tocking, which starts creeping in the closer women get to 30, is getting louder and louder. So many people have either just had babies or are about to have babies. I have been surrounded by the sweet little drool spewers for the past couple of weeks. This past weekend just topped it off though when I spent some quality time with a little princess that could best be described as a Shiloh Jolie-Pitt doppleganger. I have two baby showers in the next 6 weeks. My biological clock is like Big Ben on estrogen! I have to get this fever under control before I start pandering for desirable sperm.
* I have made absolutely no progress on my bucket list and I'm nearly 2 months into the year. I've got to get crackin'! I'll elaborate on the details of my bucket list soon.

And that's pretty much what's been going on in my head the past two weeks... in a nut shell.

Blind Dates- Mental Health Not Required

2008-02-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in the previous post that I had been dating around the past year, and it has been an experience to say the least. There have been good dates, bad dates, hot dates, and I-hope-I brought-my-mace dates. I thought I would tell an interesting (and some might say humorous- I would not be one of those people) story about what it is like being a single girl in the dating world these days. Let's just say, "it ain't what it used to be!"

My most outrageous experience so far was a blind date a little over a month ago. We will refer to this man as Scary Larry, because it only seems fitting - just keep reading. I had seen a picture and was very pleased with the aesthetics. We talked on the phone briefly and he seemed fairly nice. We even had a "small world" moment when we realized that I had kind of gone out once with his now brother-in-law back when I was in college. We were set to go out as soon as he came home from his deployment in Iraq, which was going to be right after Christmas. So D-day came and I was pretty excited. After spending a little too much time getting ready than I probably should have, I checked out the final product and I was feeling gooooood! We had planned to meet at Starbucks for a casual coffee date and just see what followed. So I pull up and Larry is already there. I see him sitting in the car and I think- not too bad. The picture that I had been shown was obviously one of his better ones, but he wasn't completely lacking. Until he got out of the car. Let me just say that I am not a clothing snob in the least little bit! However, I do have certain expecations of how a man should dress on a first date, call me old fashioned. His baggy, ratty, ankle-grazing jeans with his faded, stretched out Hanes t-shirt (tucked in for maximum accentuation of the distended pot belly) and his grungy Route 66 yard-work sneakers were miles away from meeting those expectations. But I give him a break and look past it. He just got back to the states two days ago, maybe his luggage hasn't arrived...maybe.

I won't bore you with all of the very uncomfortable details from the coffee-shop conversation, but I will give you a quick run down of key points. Within the first 30 minutes of the date, I learned the following about Scary Larry:
-He had been married and divorced TWICE
-He married his first wife three days after he met her, and the second wife 2 months after he met her.
-He had 18 tattoos. That's not a typo, EIGHTEEN tattoos. I got a descriptive tour of all of them with background information such as what they meant, what country he got them in, and what he was drunk on at the time. One of them included the name of his ex-step-daughter who he seemed way too infatuated with in a very weird way.
-He could see himself involved with a man, "if it weren't for the whole anal sex thing." Yes, he actually said that.
-He had been arressted for domestic violence on multiple occassions. Who admits that!?
-He was court ordered to 6 months of anger management classes.
-He went into graphic detail about how good it felt to punch his wife in the stomach. According to him, it was well worth the jail time. Way to throw an upper-cut Larry!

Yes, he divulged all of those little jewels of information within the first 30 minutes of the date. Obviously, I barely got a word in edge-wise. If I had gotten a word in, it would have been a very subtle "help!" sent in the direction of the barista. What is worse is the fact that he had no common social skills that would allow him to read my facial expressions or body language. He just kept digging a deep hole of scary. Then he had the shocking nerve to ask where we were going next! Could he not tell from the white knuckled grip around the sleeve of my tall hot chocolate that I was NOT feeling it? I guess Larry wasn't that perceptive. What was I to do? Do I break it to him that I'm ready for the date to end? All I can see are flashbacks of his face as he described punching his wife in the stomach for taking his car keys. Do I want to piss Larry off when he's less than 5 days out of a war zone? Did the 6 months of anger management really take and if so, exactly how well? I decide to not rock the boat while I am in within arms reach of him. I reluctantly agree to dinner to keep him complacent- I can already hear the audible gasps of ,"no she didn't!", but you guys weren't there! I did, however, refrain from the offer of riding with him to dinner. No thanks Larry, I've seen Unsolved Mysteries before, I know the deal. I manage to make it through dinner without bolting for the door or setting off his psycho within. I was safe at home in bed by the time he sent me a text message saying that he missed me already. Are you f'ing kidding me? As I lay there reflecting on the evening's events, I reached into my nighstand drawer and placed my gun directly in front of my alarm clock for easy access... just in case. Goodnight Scary Larry.

The Ex Files

2008-02-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

It happened. I knew this day would eventually come, but I wasn't expecting it to be today. I admit that I sometimes cyberstalk through a popular social network that has been known to ruin careers, relationships, and entire lives. Well it has yet to ruin my life, but today it definitly threw a kink in it. He changed his status. The ex-boyfriend that is. "In... a... Relationship," three little words that turned my stomach upside down.

The ex and I, we'll call him Scuba Steve* (for a hateful reason that makes me feel better right now), have been broken up for a year and a half technically, a year realistically. For the first six months we did the whole back and forth/let's try to work it out/let's be close friends/ let's give it another shot thing. Of course, that was after the initial 6 weeks of crying non-stop and wanting to be put out of my misery. Then just over a year ago I gave the ultimatum. Y'all know the one I'm talking about- we're either all or we're nothing. Well his lack of answer was answer enough for me and I hugged him goodbye for the last time and left in tears.

He was my first "real world" love. We went to college together and I'd had a brief crush on him, but didn't really socialize with each other except at fraternity/sorority socials. Then after college we were both living back home in the same town and our paths crossed again. I knew on our third date that I was going to fall in love with him. And never one to let myself down, fall in love with him I did. And I mean HARD. I continued to tumble head over heels right until the end where I ended up sprawled in a pathetic mess on the unforgiving basement floor known as dumped-town. It's almost embarrasing to confess that I let a ignorant man affect my life so much, but it was truly the lowest I've ever been. Even after the ultimatum we eventually fell back into our old habits of flirting, drunk dialing, and contemplating giving it another go. That continued until the end of last summer when it became obvious that it was more painful to stretch it out the way we were. We stayed "friends"... as much as a scorned, bitter woman can consider the man who ripped out her heart a friend. That was until two months ago. Two months ago I ended all contact with him. I had met other men and been on dates and I really was trying to move on. Of course in the back of my heart I still loved him a little and thought that there could be a chance that sometime in the future we would reconnect. And I made efforts to keep us in each others lives anyway I could because of that. But nonthesless, I wasn't going to wait around. I made sure that he knew that I cared about him, but I was seeing other people and not wasting any more time. Well two months ago is when it finally hit me that he loved that I was still obsessed with him and our relationship. Whenever I appeared to be moving on, he would do something to twist the knife in my heart. He started to seem really vain, egotistical, and patronizing about the whole situation, which makes me laugh now because his cockiness is part of what first attracted me to him. So anyway, two months, no contact whatsoever, and I'm feeling good about it... until tonight.

I finally felt like I was ready for another relationship and have taken the steps to try some lucky men out for the available position. To be quite honest, I think I have a relationship deal sealed and in the bag if I want it right now and that's great.... but Scuba Steve beat me to it! How juvenille is that!? I know! I know that's it's stupid and pointless, and I still don't care. I wanted to be the first one in another relationship. I wanted to be the first one to change my profile status. I wanted to be the first one to rub it in his face that I found someone better who realizes what a good thing he's got! And Scuba Steve had to go and snatch the one little shred of pride that I was hoping to grasp in the end. Knowing that he is with someone else now does make me a little physically ill. I expected that though. I think the nausea will be gone by the morning... until I find out who the girl is of course (or until I see her- I hope she's a troll!). Once that subsides, I think what will bother me the most is that he beat me to the punch. I think there should be a rule that the dumper should never be able to go public with a new relationship until after the dumpee. It's just common courtesy, douchebag!

* Names have been changed to protect the guilty bastard.

Dip me in formaldehyde and call me pretty!

2008-02-12T10:22:00.000-08:00

I'm getting old. In case you haven't noticed those two little digits in the "about me" section, I'm 29- blech! I'm two weeks into 29 to be precise and the last birthday was a BIG pill to swallow. 29 is just so.... "the end is near!".... know what I mean? I just don't know how I got here. One day I'm living it up in college thinking that I'm still such a baby, the next day I'm border-line spinster. I hate people who say that "age is just a number". Weight is just a number too, but 300 lbs still means fat. But it's ok.... I've embraced the fact that I'm on 30's front porch, peering in the windows and banging on the door. I'm ok with it now, really. If I say this enough times I am going to convince myself eventually, right?

What I am NOT ok with are the permanent signs of "old ladyhood" that have crept onto my face without me noticing until now. When did they get here? They are certainly not welcome guests. As soon as I noticed that those sneaky little bitches (that are commonly referred to as wrinkles) had inhabited my face (which just so happened to be right after the 29th birthday), I devised a plan of attack. I'm talking guerilla warfare here! I immediately consulted some older, more seasoned relatives on their suggestions. Unfortuantely for me, most of the women in my family age really well so there wasn't much help to be had. But my dear, beautiful mother did recall reading an article recently comparing certain products in the I'm-so-f'ing-old-give-me-some-miracle-cream-for-my-face industry. The shining star of the studies was surprisingly not from a department store cosmetics counter. Needless to say I rushed out to purchase some ammunition. I was prudent by starting out with just two of their offerings, the vitamin complex/mousturizer and the eye cream. As with most new purchases, I couldn't wait to use it that night. I honestly couldn't beleive it. As soon as I put it on my face, my skin just felt different - better! I wasn't naive enough to think that there was a visual difference, but if I could tell a difference in the way my skin felt in 2 minutes then I'm pretty sure it's doing something right in there. So 2 days later I venture out and purchase more of their products, the cleanser and another kind of eye voodoo. Can I just say that I'm in love? It's been about a week and a half and while no one has gawked at my astonishing transformation into an 18 year old prom queen, I feel much better. Maybe that's why the product works anyway... maybe it doesn't effect your wrinkles at all, but it just makes you feel like you look so damn good that you believe it and start to act that way! I don't know the science behind what it's doing and I don't really care. All I know is that I am so obsessed with anti-aging, wrinkle-ironing, fight-the-course-of-nature skin preservatives now that I may as well dip myself in formaldehyde. But I'm ok with that...

What's In A Name?

2008-02-11T16:11:00.001-08:00

In the second grade my favorite book was The Little Girl With Seven Names. In the 5th grade I bought my first baby name book and chose names for my 6 hypothetical children that I thought were in my future. In the 10th grade I aced my science project by focusing on the effects of given names on children. When I got my dog, it took me more than a month to pick the perfect name for him- "Bosley" is from Charlie's Angels, not the Hair Replacement Center infomercial! Last year, I stopped seeing a man because his name did not suit me. Do you see a pattern? Names have always been way too big of a deal to me and my blog is not exempt from this psychotic obsession.

When I settled on the decision to create a blog, I took a day or two to brainstorm a title for the blog. I wanted it to have personal meaning, but not so personal that it made no sense to anyone else. I wanted it to be catchy, but not cliche'. It didn't want it to be too time or topic specific so as to narrow the possible content. Can you imagine putting this much thought into every seemingly insignificant decision that you make? I assure you that it leads to much unnecessary stress. So goes the story of my like.

Back to titles...there were four or five options to begin with and I sought opinions from close friends. I thought I had a winner until none of the above mentioned friends commented on my favorite choice, something about life needing revisions/editting. It must not be good then, right? So then I moved on to option two, Bright Copper Kettles. It was an odd title, kind of out of left field unless you know the back story. Obviously anyone familiar with the thespian perfection that is Julie Andrews knows the significance of those three little words. They are from her famous song "My favorite things" from The Sound of Music. That was one of my all time favorite movies when I was a little girl and my mama gave me a special music box in the form of a wicker picnic basket that plays that song. That music box is still one of my most prized possessions and to this day I still sing that song to myself when I am feeling scared, distraught, like things are never going to go my way, etc. I know, I'm a Y-chromosome away from being a gay man, but I accept and own my quirks. So I had settled on the title and I was off to blogging. Then came the ever present glitch that follows me in life. Someone else already had a well established blog by the same name! Ok, so I'm not a judgemental person, but the blog is weird. I did not want to be associated to it in any way. I mean, what if someone was looking for my blog and got to hers instead and ended up with a completely distorted view of who I am. I couldn't have it. So the search was on a for a new blog name.

After browsing a few other blogs and finding no inspiration whatsoever, it finally hit me. The Dandelion Chronicles. You're thinking that's as weird as the other one right? Well not really. It's suits me perfectly actually. I had considered something similar to begin with, but I thought that it would make my blog to "identifiable". It turns out, I don't really care if it's identified. So the dandelion thing goes way back. When I was little I LOVED dandelions. I thought they were the prettiest little magical fluff domes ever and used to tell everyone that they were my "favorite flower". Imagine my dismay when, at the tender of age of 8, I was informed that they were actually weeds. I was devasted for a moment. How much does it say about me that my favorite flower was a weed? Well it probably says alot, but it says things that I enjoy. I was so enthralled by the weed that only I loved that my family starting calling me dandelion (or a morphed version of it that I can't specify bc it would give away my name). They still call me that do this day. When I was in college and thinking about getting a tattoo, what image did I gravitate toward? You guessed it, a personalized hand-drawn dandelion that is now permanently inked onto the small of my back- this was before that location was referred to as "tramp stamp". So The Dandelion Chronicles it is.

The same basic internal turmoil took place when deciding on my posting name. It started off as Miss Copperpot, which seemed fitting when it was linked to Bright Copper Kettles. Then I thought about a bevy of nicknames that have followed me throughout life, but somehow Martha Jr. seemed the most appropriate. It's a nickname given to me by an ex-boyfriend. God forbid he ever read this blog, because I'm sure he would think it was a sign that I was not over him and using this blog as a way to plot a scheme to win his heartless ass back.... but that's another post altogether. To sum it up, I idolize Martha Stewart in many many ways. I would love to be like her when I grow up, minus the bitchy scowl and prison record. I'm what some might refer to as a domestic diva. I'm the girl that would love to be a stay at home mom devoted to refurbishing the old crib and bringing home the blue ribbon from the quilting bee despite her degrees in higher education. Yep, that's me. Judge me if you will, but I know who I am even if the world does not. So that's the story behind my blog title and my pseudonym. Is that story really worthy of a blog posting all its own? Maybe not to some, but to me... there is infinite meaning in a name.

Blogging... it's not just for losers.

2008-02-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

So I’m a blogger now. I have to admit… I used to make fun of blogs and the bloggers who wasted their time penning them- I know, I know! But lately I’ve been following the blog of an acquaintance and it has completely changed my opinion. I used to love to write in my journal, but that seems so archaic now. Who has the time or patience to sit down with pen and paper these days? It’s much easier to jot something down in a word document while I have a few free minutes at my desk. So I’ve come to think of a blog as the modern diary, except you have the key hanging on the door and a detailed map of where to find it under your mattress. Yeah ok, the thought of everyone having access to read it is a little unsettling to me still, but I’m working through it. I’ve been accused of being too private on more than one occasion and maybe this will help me open up my world to people a little more. But I’m still undecided as to whom I’m going to give my blog address. Should I let my friends read it or should I keep it completely anonymous? Who knows? I’m going to play it safe with my topics for now, just to be on the safe side. Besides, it’s not like I have really good “diary scoop” anymore like who passed who a note during math class or who left the bar with someone else’s boyfriend! This brings me to my next point…

My life is completely boring. I’m issuing this disclaimer now so that no one can argue later that I have wasted their precious blog reading time with my endless droll about utterly unremarkable events and occurrences. I know people moan and groan all the time about their lives being boring, but mine really is. Maybe the pressure of having something interesting to blog about will force me into more note-worthy adventures.